Slither Their Way Into Your Heart

(We have our own three stooges in our class who often do gross stuff to freak out the girls, and sometimes say misogynistic stuff. While the teacher is out of the classroom, they think it would be fun to release a snake in the classroom. Most girls scream and jump on their desks. I roll my eyes and get up.)

Me: “Hey there, little guy. Did those mean boys put you up to this?”

(I let the snake crawl up my arm.)

Boy #1: “You’re not freaking out? I thought chicks hated snakes.”

Me: “Not all of them.”

Boy #2: “But aren’t you afraid he’ll bite?”

Me: “This fellow is obviously from a pet store. He’s too calm, and if he were venomous, I doubt you two blockheads would’ve been legally allowed to buy it or the store to sell him.”

Boy #1: “How do you know all this?”

Me: “I like reptiles. I recognized his coloration as being that of a ball python, like my pet.”

(They mumbled something and left the classroom. I told the teacher what happened and he called animal control. The knuckleheads kept doing things to scare the girls, but they were expelled soon after a lot of parents complained.)

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