Six Red Flags

(Two customers come to my register with two baskets overflowing with groceries. They’re accompanied by four children between the ages of 4 and 11. The carts are loaded to overflowing with baby food and formula, diapers, expensive meats, cheese, beer, wine, sodas, and lots of frozen meals. They are extremely friendly and lay on the endearments quite heavily.)

Me: “So, did you find everything okay tonight, folks?”

Customer #1: “Oh, honey! Bless you! You bet we did, baby!”

Customer #2: “Woooo! More than everything! Look at these steaks! These are gonna be great!”

(The customers and their eldest two children load the first cart onto the belt. They take it, empty, to the end of my register to bag and load their groceries, since I don’t have a bagger. After several minutes, I finish ringing them up.)

Me: “Okay. Your total comes to [large, triple digit sum]. How would you like to pay that today?”

Customer #1: “By check. Let me write it up for you, honey.”

(As the first customer writes the check, the rest of the group finishes packing the groceries. She finishes writing the check and hands it to me.)

Me: “Okay, great. Can I see your ID to confirm a few details?”

Customer #1: “Sure, honey. Sure.”

(She opens her wallet and flips to the clear ID panel. The driver’s license inside looks really wrong.)

Me: “Sorry. Do you mind if I remove the ID from the plastic to see it better?”

Customer #1: “No, baby! Go ahead, sweetie! Help yourself!”

Me: “Okay. Ah. Do you have another form of identification, ma’am?”

Customer #1: “What’d you say, honey?”

Me: “Another form of ID? A driver’s license or something?”

Customer #1: “Honey, that IS my driver’s license.”

Me: “Actually, no, ma’am. It’s a Six Flags ID. See? The back here says ‘not government issued ID’ and the ‘Texas’ holograms are just gold puff paint.”

Customer #1: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. That right there IS my real ID, baby!”

Me: “And your check has a few routing numbers scratched out—”

(The customer suddenly snatches the check and ID out of my hands. The whole group bolts for the exit as I call for a manager. He commends me on catching them out and gets staff to put the items in the freezer for the time being. A few minutes later, I get a phone call on my register.)

Me: “Hello. This is [Store Name], register 12. [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Cashier: “Hey, [My Name]. Can you get me [Assistant Manager]? I’ve got someone trying to pass a bogus check on gas and soda out here.”

Me: “Does she have [Name] tattooed across her chest in a script font?”

Cashier: “That’s her.”

Me: “Stall her. Tell her the check’s jammed in the machine or something. I’m sending him out.”

(I call the same assistant manager as before. The acting unit manager, loss prevention member, and the assistant manager book it out the door to the parking lot. By the time they arrive, the customer and her group had made a run for it, leaving the stolen check and fake ID behind. Police are called. We are questioned, and then told that the woman has no fewer than three warrants out for her arrest.)