Singing Comebacks In The Rain

(I’m about to leave the office building where my company is located to go get lunch. We’re an online marketing and web design company, so we can wear pretty much whatever we want. If I’m not meeting with potential clients, I usually wear skinny jeans and band t-shirts, with big hoodies. It’s pouring when I step outside to go get lunch, but before I can open my umbrella, a well-dressed, little old lady tries to JERK my umbrella out of my hand!)

Lady: “You kids should respect your elders more! You don’t need that umbrella, and if you don’t give it to me right this second, I’ll report you for being truant from school!”

(I’m 26, but look much younger, but this is the first time someone has threatened to report me for truancy.)

Me: *politely but firmly* “Ma’am, this is my umbrella, and I do need it. You can also report me, but I’m a computer science major at [College], not a high-schooler, so it won’t get you anywhere.”

Lady: *stuttering* “Well, you’re still a student, young lady, so I demand you give me your umbrella!”

Me: “Fine, that’ll cost you $1,500.”

Lady: “What?! Why should I pay you that much for a stupid f****** umbrella?!”

Me: “Because that’s how much it’s going to cost to replace my [expensive laptop that I bought for school and work that I’m currently carrying in my bag] if I give you my umbrella, and I have class tonight. I’ll take cash, thanks.”

(The lady gave me a dirty look and went back inside the building, cussing me out as she did. I was taught to respect my elders, as most Texans are, but I was also taught that I’m worth just as much respect!)