Sinfully Delicious, Part 3

(I have a talent for being rather convincing, and talking in such a way that keeps people interested even when they know I’m spewing bullc**p. I attempt to convince a coworker of my goofy opinions.)

Me: “Urg, I hate mayonnaise”

Coworker: “What? How can you hate mayonnaise.”

Me: “Do you know what mayonnaise is?”

Coworker: “It’s, uh, eggs. And oil or something, isn’t it?”

Me: “No. Mayonnaise is evil given tangible shape.”

Coworker: “No, it’s not!”

Me: “It is! You know how, like, there’s water everywhere in the air? All the air we breathe and walk through contains evaporated water?”

Coworker: “Yeah.”

Me: “It’s everywhere around us, but you can’t really ‘feel’ it like that. But the water vapor can gather and condense into rain, or become normal water that we can drink and touch.”

Coworker: “Well, yeah.”

Me: “Evil is like that, too. It exists in the metaphysical all around us. Mayonnaise is the gathered and coalesced form of evil made into a tangible shape.”

Coworker: “NO, IT’S NOT!”

Me: “It is! Haven’t you even heard the story of The Deal?”

Coworker: “What? No.”

Me: “Okay, it goes like this. Way back when, God and the Devil made a deal. Sort of a cosmic game with the souls of all humanity as the stakes. Like, the souls in Heaven and Hell might not stay there. If one wins they get all the souls in the other as well as those of anyone left alive.”

Coworker: “Okay…”

Me: “Well, when they started this ‘game’ they each got a handicap. God got that humans would be born inherently good. That they would need to be TEMPTED into being bad. Now, obviously there are many ways to do that: greed, desire, traumatic upbringing, what have you. But people come into this world pure and good and need to be given reason to be bad. You follow so far?”

Coworker: “Yeah.”

Me: “Okay, so this was a major card on the table. And to counter the major advantage of mankind’s inherent goodness, the Devil got mayonnaise.”

Coworker: “What!?”

Me: “It’s true. The existence of mayonnaise alone is the major balance of the scale to counter out humanity’s inborn purity. It’s the gathering of evil and acts as a tumor upon our lives and our souls. Where it’s found, things get worse.”

Coworker: “But I LIKE mayonnaise!”

Me: “Some people like euthanizing puppies. It’s wrong, but we can’t tell people what they like and don’t like. There are some people who work at an animal shelter who get a kick out of putting down a cute little puppy and that’s wrong. Just like YOU’RE wrong for liking mayonnaise!”

Coworker: “I… that’s terrible!”

Me: “Whatever. You’re the evil one who’s actively damning our souls with your disgusting food choice.”

Coworker: “Oh, shut up!”