Shouldn’t Make Off The Cuff Remarks

| Romantic | February 12, 2015

(One of my roommates is a MASSIVE d**k. Nobody else really knew this when we moved in, but the four of us guys are all stuck in a house together owned by the awful roommate’s uncle. He has multiple domestic violence arrests from his past girlfriends, and one from my girlfriend whom he attacked one day. I, and the other two roommates, are looking for a different house to rent together because the three of us get along well, and we want to get away from this guy. But he eventually tells us he’s starting to see someone new, and that he may not be around as often. One night, about three months into their relationship, she calls us to come pick him up at her place. When we get there he’s handcuffed to the patio railing on her front porch and he has a black eye.)

Me: What the h*** happened to you?

Bad Roommate: “Very funny. Just get the b**** from inside and tell her to un-cuff me.”

Good Roommate #1: “Yeah, but what happened to your face?”

Bad Roommate: “Never mind that! Just… get her to un-cuff me!!”

(We notice an envelope taped to the front door up high enough that he wouldn’t be able to reach, and it has the key in it along with a note asking us to drop it through the mail slot, which I do. Then we all pile into my car.)

Good Roommate #2: “Seriously, man what happened to your face?”

Bad Roommate: “Same thing that’s gonna happen to your face in a second if you don’t shut up!”

Me: “Okay, man, don’t threaten him. Just… what happened?”

Bad Roommate: *sighs* “Well… you know how I like to have things go, right? Well… she calls me and tells me she’s staying late and we’ll have to reschedule our date. I got mad at her. I asked her when she’d be off, and that was that. Then I made sure I could be at her house when she’d get home, because she needs to learn that’s not okay, right? Except when I went to slap her because she wasn’t listening to me she blocks my hit, punches me, and drags me out of the house. She just left me there on the porch!”

Good Roommate #1: *trying to hide the fact that he’s laughing* “Man, I like her already. What does she do, anyway?”

Bad Roommate: “She’s… a prison guard.”

Me: “You tried to beat up a prison guard?!”

Bad Roommate: “She’s just a girl!”

(He went back the next day to ‘teach her a lesson’ and got his a** kicked again, only this time he got arrested. The three of us got our own rental house and are still good friends with her, and her current boyfriend.)

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