Should Have Eaten An Apple A Day

(I’ve been sent to the ER due to severe chest pains. A resident doctor comes in to check up on me.)

Doctor: “So, what’s going on?”

Me: “I’ve been having this stabbing feeling in the center of my chest through my back. It hurts to breathe in and out. It’s worse when I stand up or lean forward.”

Doctor: “When did this start happening?”

Me: “The symptoms started around 7 am.”

Doctor: *chuckles* “So you come in four hours later? You liked the idea of dying from chest pains? Is that how it works?”

Me: “I… I was at work. I thought it might be indigestion. Once it got worse like this, I went straight to the urgent care next door to my building. They called an ambulance for me. I like to think I reacted appropriately based on how everything was progressing.”

Doctor: *rolls eyes* “Whatever. Let me check your lungs.”

(He moves some of the gown away from my back. He is about to put the stethoscope down, when he shouts.)

Doctor: “Urgh! What happened to your back? Did you decide this wasn’t an emergency too?!”

Me: “Wh.. what?! What are you talking about?”

Doctor: “These nasty splotches all over your back! This looks like leprosy! Oh, my God, it’s on your arms, too!”

Me: *fuming* “For your information, I have hyper-pigmentation all over my body. It does NOT look like leprosy! It’s been there since birth. It’s taken me a long time to become comfortable in my own skin. I’m disgusted that a doctor would act so unprofessional, especially when you didn’t ask me what it was first!”

Doctor: Well… I didn’t… Let’s just get this over with.”

Me: “You’ve made me feel both stupid and repulsive. I don’t want you touching me.”

(At this point, the chief of the emergency room has heard the commotion and comes in to investigate.)

Chief of the Emergency Room: *to the doctor* “Please step into the hallway and tell me what has happened.”

(They talk a few minutes. Then the chief of the emergency room asks me for my side of the story. The chief of the emergency room nods and calmly walks out into the hallway. He tells the resident to step into his office. About 15 minutes later, he comes back with a new resident. He states that I won’t have to deal with the first resident anymore, and nor will anyone else. Apparently the resident had insulted patients in the past. This had been his last chance!)