Shoot First, Ask Questions Later

Me: “Thank you for calling [Cable Company]. This is tech support. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “I am seeing ‘Searching For Satellite Signal’ on all of my receivers.”

Me: “Well, usually that is caused by the dish being a little bit out of alignment. Could you go outside and tell me if the dish appears to be moved, or if there’s anything different about it at all?”

Customer: “There are holes everywhere in the dish.”

Me: “Holes?”

Customer: “Yeah, there were a bunch of birds on the dish last night so I shot them off.”

Me: “Well, unfortunately, this would be considered abuse and it will cost you $80 to get a technician over there to replace the dish.”

Customer: “Why? It’s your equipment. I didn’t do anything wrong!”

Me: “Sir, you shot the dish. You ruined it. In all actuality, that dish is yours to keep. If you ever leave us you get to keep the dish, and you also get to keep the dish you shot.”

Customer: “Well, I’m still right!”

Me: “Well, you still have to pay the $80.”

Customer: “What would I use that old dish for anyway? Why can’t you take it?”

Me: “We do not retrieve old dishes due to policy. I hear you could use it as a nice sled, though.”