She’s Only Half Right

, , , , , , | Right | July 25, 2018

(I am working in the meat department of a well-known organic food store. A customer comes up and inquires about the chickens in the display case. Note: these are raw, fully plucked, very dead chickens. They are pasture-raised and humanely killed.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “I need a chicken.”

Me: “Sure, I can get that wrapped up for you! Which one would you like?”

Customer: “These are all too big; it’s just me at home. Aren’t there any smaller ones?”

Me: “They don’t get much smaller than this, but I can offer you half of a chicken, instead.”

Customer: “Half… half of a chicken? They come in halves?”

Me: “Yes, it’s quite simple. I’ll take care of it right now!”

(I grab a chicken from the case and walk to the cutting board. I cut the chicken neatly in half along the spine using a meat cleaver and mallet. Then, I take the two halves back to the customer so she can choose which she liked.)

Me: “Which half would you like?”

Customer: “You just cut it in half… Right in half! With a knife and a hammer!”

Me: “Yeah, it’s pretty simple to do. You could even do it at home if you—”

(She cuts me off.)

Customer: “No! That was cruel. I don’t want it anymore! That was cruel! That poor chicken. You split it right in half with a hammer and knife!”

(She marched indignantly away, while I stood there, flabbergasted and holding the two halves of the chicken.)

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