She’s Not The Brightest Lamp

(I work in an arts and crafts store. We get the occasional home decor along with the crafts. We get calls in all the time for craft needs. Saturdays are generally busy days for us, like a lot of retailers. We have a deal for 40% off one item and a deal for 20% off all including sales. That one brings people in. I’m helping with the line when the phone rings.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store] in [Town]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, do you carry the blue lamps?”

Me: “Blue lamps?”

Caller: “Yeah, I saw them with the summer stuff.”

Me: “We do not carry any lamps at this time.”

Caller: “Okay, but do you have the blue lamps?”

Me: “No, ma’am, we do not carry them.”

Caller: “They have a white shade and are small enough to fit on an end table.”

Me: “Ma’am… we do not carry the lamps you are looking for.”

Caller: “If you do have them, could I use the 40-off coupon?”

Me: “If they were in our summer collection, they would be marked down 70% off clearance right now. The coupon would not work.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. Do you have the lamps?”

Me: *dumbfounded by this* “No, ma’am, we do not.”

Caller: “Could you check real quick?”

Me: “Sure, one moment.”

(I put her on hold while I ring up customers in line and check them out. The assistant manager who overheard goes to go look for the nonexistent lamps, just in case. Once the line is over with I go back to the phone and tell her we do not have the lamps. At all.)

Caller: “What time do y’all close?”

Me: “We close at nine pm.”

Caller: “Could you hold them for me? How many you got?”

Me: “Zero.”

Caller: “I thought you said you had some?”

Me: *trying so hard to maintain composure* “Ma’am, have you tried the [Same Store] in [Different Location]? They’re a bigger [Store] than we are and they carry more items. I believe they have lamps.”

Caller: “But you have some there. Why would I go all the way over to [Location]?”

Me: “Ma’am? We do not have any lamps here at this store. Have a good day.” *hangs up*

(I thought I was finished with her, but she came in the store thirty minutes before closing and we basically went through the same ordeal again. Needless to say, she didn’t get her lamps.)