She’s Gone Totally Walnuts

My husband and I have recently moved to a lovely little farm. We have a few horses, a beautiful garden, and a lot of gorgeous old trees. One of those trees is a gigantic walnut tree, and in one afternoon, I have already picked up several pounds of nuts. After all this hard work, I am relaxing on the couch with a cup of tea and a good book by the hearth fire.

Suddenly, I hear the sound of a car coming down our driveway. I am not expecting anyone, and our house is pretty far off the main road, so this is strange. I get up to go to the door, but before I even make it there, the car honks loudly. I can hear my horses run around the field, startled. When I get outside, I see a large BMW standing half in my garden. Deep tire tracks in the grass indicate that the car completely ignored the large gravel area and chose to turn over my lawn, instead. I should already be angry by now, but honestly, I am too flabbergasted to get angry.

As I stand there gaping, a woman gets out of the passenger side. She’s middle-aged with short hair, bright clothes, and a permanent sneer on her wrinkled face.

Woman: “I am here to buy walnuts.”

Note the complete absence of any kind of greeting.

Me: *Confused by her audacity* “Did you speak to my husband?”

Woman: “No, but I know you have them. I was here last year. I want thirty-five pounds.”

Me: “Oh, well, we just moved here. I am sorry if the old occupants did not inform you, but they moved away and my husband and I live here now.”

Woman: *Impatiently* “I need thirty-five pounds of your walnuts.”

Me: “I literally just harvested them. They are not even dried yet and I haven’t decided what I want to do with them yet.”

Woman: “That’s fine. I’ll just dry them myself.”

Me: “No, I’m not selling at the moment. I want to give them to my friends and family first. If I have a lot left over, I might take them to the local market or put a stand next to the road. Maybe keep an eye on that.”

Upon hearing this, the woman stomps off to her car without another word. I assume that is the end of it and go back inside to process what just happened while internally kicking myself for remaining so polite when I should have just told her to pay for the damages to my lawn and garden and eff off. Retail instincts, I guess…

However, after a little while, I realise the car is still there, and just as I am about to go outside to tell them to get lost, the car honks again. I go outside and out steps the woman again, this time with a little notepad and a pen.

Woman: “I will give you my number and you will call me when you have thirty-five pounds of nuts for me.”

Me: “I really don’t think so. I’d like you to leave now.”

She starts writing her number down.

Me: “Now, please, before I decide to make you pay for the damages you did to my garden.”

Woman: *Outraged* “There were already tire tracks there!”

It is true that there was already one tire track in the grass all the way at the back of the garden from when the vet tore through there in great haste to get to my horse that had seriously injured itself a week earlier (the idiot is fine now) but this track is small, only just visible, and most importantly, nowhere near this huge BMW still standing half on my grass!

Me: “Not those! You come here onto private property, destroy half my garden, spook my horses, and make demands. Is this really how you usually get things done? Because at this point, I’d rather throw those walnuts in the fire than sell them to you at any price. Now get lost, please. This is the last time I’ll ask nicely.”

Woman: “But I need those walnuts and you will sell them to me!”

Me: “Have you not been listening to me? I really won’t!”

Cue lots of ranting and angry noises that I’m not listening to because I am dialing the police.

Operator: “You’re through to the non-emergency police line. How may I help?”

Me: “Good afternoon, officer, I’d like to report trespassers on my property at [Address]. Could you send a car over, please? They refuse to lea— Oh, look at that, there they go!”

Operator: “Will you still be needing police assistance, ma’am?”

Me: “No, thank you, officer. I think we’re all good here. Have a lovely day.”

Operator: “Thank you, and you, too, ma’am.”

While I was on the phone, the woman practically ran to her car, and after some angry shouting and gesturing between her and the driver, they sped off, never to be seen again.