Setting Her Straight On Beards

(My mom and I are cleaning the house. I’m a lesbian, but I once dated a guy.)

Mom: “Why are your socks on the couch?”

Me: “I don’t know. I guess I left them here. Which socks are they?”

Mom: “They’re just socks.”

Me: “They’re not just socks! They’re my mustache socks!”

Mom: “Oh, your mustache. I guess [ex-boyfriend] gave them to you, huh?”

Me: “No, I bought them myself. Why would they make you think of [ex-boyfriend]?”

Mom: “Don’t think I don’t know what a mustache is!”

Me: “Whimsical facial hair?”

Mom: “You don’t know what a mustache is?”

Me: “No.”

Mom: “Oh.”

Me: “Wait, now you have to tell me!”

Mom: “No I don’t.”

Me: “C’mon, you can’t do that!”

Mom: “No, you’re too young!”

Me: “Please, just tell me!”

Mom: “It’s when a gay person dates someone of the opposite gender to hide their being gay.”

Me: “Mom, that’s called a beard.”

Mom: “Oh. That’s right; you were the one who told me about it.”