Sending Your Character To Oblivion

, , , | Related | August 29, 2017

(In elementary school, my brother had a GameCube, and I didn’t. He would charge me a dollar an hour if I wanted to play something on it. For reference, my allowance was 11 cents, multiplied by my age, per week, so I had to save up. In high school, I get “Elder Scrolls: Oblivion” for my birthday, and my brother really wants to play it. He doesn’t have enough money to buy his own copy, so he has to choose between saving up or groveling. He chooses the latter.)

Brother: “Will you please, please let me play? I’ll only use it when you don’t want to, and you can walk in at any time and say it’s your turn.”

Me: “Well, I don’t know. Remember when you charged me a dollar an hour to play your GameCube? And you know, with inflation…”

Brother: “But I can’t afford that! I’m saving up for [class trip to an amusement park].”

Me: “All right, all right, I won’t charge you. But there is one condition.”

Brother: “What is it?”

Me: “You can only play it with a character that I create.”

Brother: “Okay, sure.”

(He hasn’t yet seen Oblivion’s character creation system or the monstrosities that can be made with it. We sit down at the computer, and I start making a character for him. The first thing I do is give the character a balding, neon-orange haircut.)

Brother: “Um… you can do that?”

Me: *distorts all the facial proportions into something that doesn’t even look human*

Brother: “But… but…”

Me: *turns the skin a blue-ish white color*

Brother: “Okay, that’s just ridiculous.”

Me: *adds the biggest eyebrows ever seen and a green beard*

Brother: “Are you done yet?”

Me: “Almost. Just have to name him. There we go. Have fun playing as [Brother’s First Name] McDumbFace.”

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