Searching For Alternative Facts

(We have some really nice ornaments from Christmas returned, and we have them marked down significantly for resale. They are packaged nine to a box, in three rows of three. The top of the box is see-through.)

Customer: “Excuse me. Can you give me a discount on these?”

Me: “They are 90% off, which is a great price. I’m afraid I can’t go any lower.”

Customer: “But you should if one is missing.”

Me: “None are missing.”

Customer: “How do you know?”

Me: “There are no spaces empty.”

Customer: “But one might still be missing.”

Me: “Well, I can see nine in that box, and it’s a nine-pack.”

Customer: “How do you know there are nine?”

Me: “I counted.”

Customer: “How do you know there are supposed to be nine, though?”

Me: “The packaging says here that there are nine of them.”

Customer: “You just have an answer for everything, don’t you?”

Me: “Just saying the facts. sir, explaining how things are.”

Customer: “I bet you practice your answers for a customer like me, don’t you? Your ‘facts.’ You know what? I don’t want those, anyway!”

(He leaves. I am putting the ornaments back when another customer sees them and takes them, excited by the cheap price. A few minutes later, the first customer returns.)

Customer: “Where are those ornaments? I wanted them!”

Me: “Another customer purchased them.”

Customer: “Is that one of your facts? Well, I will pay you two dollars for them.”

Me: “They were marked down to four dollars, which was already paid by another customer. Now, if you’ll excuse me…”

Customer: “This is why department stores are going out of business, and that’s a fact.”