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It’s Nuts To Go Without Coconuts

, , , | Right | October 17, 2019

(I work at a bakery that’s famous for its coconut cream pie. We sell the pie four different ways: full-sized, baby, slices, and little individual bites. It’s nearing the end of the day and it’s getting slow, so my coworker has gone upstairs to do restock and I’m left puttering around behind the counter, doing various little pieces of side-work. A very well-dressed woman in her fifties or sixties comes in and I greet her.)

Customer: “I heard you’re famous for your coconut cream pie!”

Me: “Yep! It’s the favorite, for sure. We sell it at all the locations in [Company].”

Customer: “I have a question about it.”

(It’s tourist season, and has been for about a month, and it’s not unusual for non-locals to want to know about the pie. I figure it will be one of the standard questions, like what makes it a TRIPLE coconut cream pie, etc.) 

Me: “Ask away!”

Customer: “What does coconut taste like?”

Me: *pause* “What?”

(I think she is joking at first, but eventually, I realize she isn’t. Because I have no idea how to even begin to explain the flavor of coconut, I start asking her if she’s ever eaten anything with coconut in it — Almond Joys, macaroons, Sno-Balls, doughnuts with coconut flakes — but she apparently has not.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m really not sure how to explain the flavor. But I can go and ask the pastry kitchen if they have any coconut flakes lying around so you can try them?”

Customer: “No, thanks! I’ll just get the pie bite.”

(I gave her the bite and rung her up, and she happily left. I still have no idea if she somehow managed to go through her entire life without eating coconut or if she was making a joke in the most deadpan way possible. It’s definitely one of the most bemusing customer experiences I’ve had to date. Honestly, it’s a small miracle that I didn’t just laugh in her face when she asked the question.)


| Right | March 19, 2016

(I’m giving away samples of macarons, a French cookie. Many customers have been calling them “macaroons,” so I have a coworker bring me a box of those so I could show the products side by side and politely explain the differences. A lady approaches my counter.)

Lady: “Oh, macaroons!”

Me: “Actually, these are macarons, a Fr-”

Lady: *suddenly irate and smug* “WELL, IN AMERICA, IT’S PRONOUNCED ‘MACAROONS.’”

Me: *smiles politely and holds up both boxes* “Actually, these are macarons, and they’re completely different from macaroons. We happen to sell both right here.”

Lady: *looks extremely pissed and walks off without trying the product while I beam for a solid ten minutes*

This Friendship Is Fake’n’Bake

| Friendly | December 12, 2014

(I work for a team of lawyers who always buy me expensive Christmas gifts and bonuses. I have no way to reciprocate in kind so I make them very nice baskets of home-made treats every year and it is a BIG JOB. Gingerbread men, fruit cake, iced cut out cookies, thumb print cookies, fudge, caramels, cashew brittle, macaroons, small jars of home-made jellies and jams, always in a nice basket with colorful wrapped candies tossed in for accent. I am usually baking for 2-3 weekends up to the holiday. A friend calls and started unloading on me:)

Friend: “We are so broke! We have nothing to put under the tree for my girl.”

Me: “Oh, well, she is only nine months old. I do—”

Friend: “And my husband is a seasonal lay-off! I don’t know how I can get anything for our families!”

Me: “I can help in two ways. I have a gift for your daughter. I’d be fine with getting it to you ahead of Christmas so you could put it under the tree. The baby won’t know the difference. And as for gifts for others, if you come help me with the baking, I’d gift you a ton of the stuff to take home with you and you could give your family those. I’ll even throw in a nice basket.”

Friend: “Wow! That’s wonderful! I’ll be over early Saturday morning to help!”

(Saturday she is a no-show and she doesn’t even answer her phone until afternoon.)

Friend: “Sorry, we were out partying until late the night before.”

(I’m thinking that she is too broke for gifts but has money for booze and pot?)

Friend: “But I’ll be over on Sunday morning, FOR SURE!”

(Sunday was a repeat of the same thing. She didn’t even answer the phone all day, so, no goodies were shared. I stopped by a few days before Christmas and dropped off the package I had for the baby. A few days after Christmas a mutual friend reported that she was telling everyone how miffed she was that I didn’t give her any of the cookies and things for her gifts to her family AND she’d thought I was going to buy all the Christmas gifts for her daughter and I only got her ONE present. The mutual friend told me that the reason she’d called me in the first place was because she was hinting around that I’d loan her money and she was mad that I didn’t volunteer. Everyone who knew her knew she NEVER paid back loans! That was the END of that friendship.)

Sharing A Story About Not Sharing

| Right | June 19, 2014

(A coworker is offering macaroons at work. He had never had them before but had bought a whole lot of them, and we get to hear the story of why he had bought them.)

Coworker: “There’s a cake shop near my house. I go there all the time, and there’s a regular customer I see there who is really mean. That day she said she was going to buy some macaroons and not share any with her grandkids. I was ahead of her in line, so when it was my turn, I said ‘I’d like to buy all your macaroons!.'”

The Tower Of Baboons

| Learning | June 25, 2013

(I am in History class learning about Tsarist Russia.)

Teacher: “… and so they were harangued.”

Pupil: “Haha, that sounds like meringue!”

Me: “I thought that was when you’re stuck on a desert island?”

Teacher: “No. That’s marooned!”

Pupil #2: “I thought maroons are those things you eat?”

Pupil #3: “No! That’s macaroons!”

Teacher: *sighs*