This Friendship Is Fake’n’Bake

| Cincinnati, OH, USA | Friendly | December 12, 2014

(I work for a team of lawyers who always buy me expensive Christmas gifts and bonuses. I have no way to reciprocate in kind so I make them very nice baskets of home-made treats every year and it is a BIG JOB. Gingerbread men, fruit cake, iced cut out cookies, thumb print cookies, fudge, caramels, cashew brittle, macaroons, small jars of home-made jellies and jams, always in a nice basket with colorful wrapped candies tossed in for accent. I am usually baking for 2-3 weekends up to the holiday. A friend calls and started unloading on me:)

Friend: “We are so broke! We have nothing to put under the tree for my girl.”

Me: “Oh, well, she is only nine months old. I do—”

Friend: “And my husband is a seasonal lay-off! I don’t know how I can get anything for our families!”

Me: “I can help in two ways. I have a gift for your daughter. I’d be fine with getting it to you ahead of Christmas so you could put it under the tree. The baby won’t know the difference. And as for gifts for others, if you come help me with the baking, I’d gift you a ton of the stuff to take home with you and you could give your family those. I’ll even throw in a nice basket.”

Friend: “Wow! That’s wonderful! I’ll be over early Saturday morning to help!”

(Saturday she is a no-show and she doesn’t even answer her phone until afternoon.)

Friend: “Sorry, we were out partying until late the night before.”

(I’m thinking that she is too broke for gifts but has money for booze and pot?)

Friend: “But I’ll be over on Sunday morning, FOR SURE!”

(Sunday was a repeat of the same thing. She didn’t even answer the phone all day, so, no goodies were shared. I stopped by a few days before Christmas and dropped off the package I had for the baby. A few days after Christmas a mutual friend reported that she was telling everyone how miffed she was that I didn’t give her any of the cookies and things for her gifts to her family AND she’d thought I was going to buy all the Christmas gifts for her daughter and I only got her ONE present. The mutual friend told me that the reason she’d called me in the first place was because she was hinting around that I’d loan her money and she was mad that I didn’t volunteer. Everyone who knew her knew she NEVER paid back loans! That was the END of that friendship.)

The Tower Of Baboons

| UK | Learning | June 25, 2013

(I am in History class learning about Tsarist Russia.)

Teacher: “… and so they were harangued.”

Pupil: “Haha, that sounds like meringue!”

Me: “I thought that was when you’re stuck on a desert island?”

Teacher: “No. That’s marooned!”

Pupil #2: “I thought maroons are those things you eat?”

Pupil #3: “No! That’s macaroons!”

Teacher: *sighs*