His Scolding Is Heavy Handed

, , , , | Romantic | June 18, 2017

(I am the type of person who likes to move things around for a fresh look. My husband is the opposite so I usually move things while he’s not home. I’m cleaning the kitchen one day and decide that the microwave needs to be closer to where I prepare food instead of on the other side of the room. Husband walks in as I’m about to pick up the microwave. I usually have to move the microwave out of the spot to clean under and behind it, it’s not heavy to move.)

Husband: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Moving the microwave; it’s in a stupid spot.”

Husband: “Why can’t you just leave it there?”

Me: “Because I have to carry boiling items across the room and avoid toddlers at the same time.” *I start pick it up*

Husband: “That’s too heavy for you. I’ll do it.”

(He makes me put it down and drags it out, dropping the corner and taking a chunk out of the wooden bench top.)

Me: “Look at what you just did.”

Husband: “That thing was heavy. You would have dropped the whole thing.”

Me: “I move that microwave all the time, and have never dropped it.”

Husband: “See? This is why I don’t want you moving things around. Things get damaged.”

Me: “No, this is why I move things while you aren’t home because I don’t damage things.”

Husband: “I told you it was too heavy.”

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  • Kitty

    You guys fight over stupid s*** like this?

    • Agent Tarter

      Sometimes the little things are very illuminating.

    • gyorklady

      You want us to get the OP here to apologize because her fight didn’t measure up to your lofty standards?

      • Kitty

        No. I want an answer to “If you are fighting over stupid s*** like this, why are you still together?”

        • 4302

          Maybe it’s just out of habit and comfort.
          It’s easier to just stay together than tear up your entire lives to separate even though you still like each other.

        • Shouldernubs

          I’m going to take a blind stab at it, without knowing ur age or looking at your profile, that you’ve never been with someone for over 3 years.

          • Kitty

            Dating my boyfriend/fiancé for almost 10 years by now.

  • Max

    Microwaves… OK, they aren’t light, but they aren’t exactly heavy either, unless you have one like my dad’s. But his is from the 1980s and seems to have been built to survive Ragnarok.

    • SusanG

      Unless it’s a microwave/convection oven. Mine’s four years old and that sucker is HEAVY!!

      • Max

        I had two of those in a student flat I was living in once. The first one exploded.

  • Shauna Mac Siacais Guell

    This sounds exactly like my dad. EVERYTHING must be done his way or it isn’t done right. But if something gets messed up, it’s somebody else’s fault.

    • Flami

      Yup, I’ve known people like that. It’s not fun to walk on eggshells or forever be someone else’s victim.

  • Christine Wood

    Dude, your wife is stronger than you. Get over it.

    • Katrin Schirmer

      yeah, seems like the husband has some insecurities to deal with.

  • Bethany Lieflijk

    “You could’ve dropped it.”
    “You did. What does that say about you?”

  • Jackie Fauxe

    As I only have one small story to go by, I could be way off on this (please forgive me if that’s the case), but it seems like you guys might benefit from working on your communication a little and from finding better ways to compromise. It reads as though you like your house one way, your husband likes it a different way, and when he leaves you arrange things your way. Doesn’t that send the message that you don’t respect his opinion? Couldn’t that be why he uses weak excuses (if you’ll pardon the pun) to get you to stop?

    Like I said, maybe this arrangement does work overall for you both, and this story only makes it seem like it causes problems. If that’s not the case, though, maybe you could pursue other avenues that please you both? There has to be a solution that leaves you each satisfied.

    • Carolyn Foot

      I didn’t get any impression that either party was doing some serious furniture re-arranging or house decorating while the other wasn’t home. Just that when things needed to be moved, the wife usually did it alone because she’s apparently physically stronger.

      Secondly, this ‘fight’ really didn’t seem that serious (unless they were yelling at each other). Sounded like typical banter.

      Thirdly, if anything’s causing problems I don’t think it’s the ‘moving furniture without each other’s approval’ or ‘respecting each other’s opinion’. The husband thinks the wife can’t handle picking up heavy things herself, which is not true; the husband takes it upon himself to do the ‘heavylifting’ and ends up breaking things, which (understandably) annoys the wife. The only solution I can think of is either the husband needs to bulk up, or accept that his wife is physically stronger and let her do the manual tasks without interfering. And perhaps there can be a way to communicate that clearly with one another, but the point is it’s not furniture/appliances being moved that’s the issue.

      • Jackie Fauxe

        “I am the type of person who likes to move things around for a fresh
        look. My husband is the opposite so I usually move things while he’s not
        home”

        That’s what gives me the impression the OP is doing it when their husband isn’t home.

        • Serabeth

          Yeah, I agree. It sounds like OP is moving stuff around behind his back without his approval. Both of them need to agree on a change before she just goes ahead and does it when he’s not there.

          Also as a side note: he may have been irritated or annoyed and moving hastily, or underestimating its weight, which caused him to drop it. It may not necessarily mean he’s weaker than his wife. Even if he is, it doesn’t change the fact that she shouldn’t be moving stuff around behind his back.

          • Ian Bell

            This is ridiculous. Moving furniture is not irreversible, there’s no “behind his back”, she doesn’t need his “approval”
            Both my husband and I are allowed to rearrange the furniture whenever we like without “approval”. If the other doesn’t like it, we can change it back. Or change to a third option.

            This characterisation of making minor rearrangements to one’s own working space as “sneaking” or a “bad pattern of behaviour” is absurd.

            Now if we were talking about remodelling, or redecorating, then that’s different. Of course you’d expect to discuss that first.

          • Serabeth

            It’s different with you and your husband, because you’re both okay with it. She specifically said her husband is not okay with it, and that she waits till he’s not in the house to do it. Obviously, moving furniture in and of itself is not really a big deal; it’s more the fact that she’s deliberately doing something to their shared living space thaf he has specifically said he does not like. Maybe if they talked about it like adults, he would be more amenable to some changes, rather than having OP moving stuff around when he’s not there.

            What I said was very specific to the scenario described in this story. I did not intend to say that all couples everywhere should get each other’s “approval” for making minor, reversible changes. Nor was I saying OP is a terrible person for doing so, just that it seemed to be causing some amount of tension between her and her husband.

          • Ian Bell

            I read them differently. I think all the blame lies with the husband for being unreasonable and petulant. And then damaging a piece of furniture. There’s no evidence that if she discussed things with him, that he’d be more reasonable. In fact, the preamble implied that she’d tried that previously, and it didn’t work.

            There’s also a chance that it’s a problem with visualising the change. Some people can’t picture how things will look after rearranging, so prefer to leave as-is. In those cases I’ve found it’s sometimes better to just show them how it looks (while being happy to move it back if they don’t like it)

          • Ian Bell

            And actually, the preamble doesn’t imply that the husband dislikes or objects to the changes, it just says that he doesn’t want to make the changes himself.

            Rather that implying that he objects to her making changes, one could also read it as implying that he doesn’t see the need for the changes, but is fine with them once they’ve happened.

          • Serabeth

            Yeah, I suppose only OP and her husband know exactly what the situation is. I read it as her constantly going around and changing things and him getting pissed about it when he got home. If that were the case, I think some sort of compromise would be best, where the husband would agree to some changes if they can be discussed and agreed upon first.

            Personally, I’m like what you describe in the second paragraph. I may get grumpy or irritable about changes at first, but I adapt to them pretty easily after the initial (mild) annoyance.

        • Carolyn Foot

          Oh my bad. I COMPLETELY missed that. I skim long intros too quickly apparently. In that case, I kinda agree with you. That’s weird and seems like it would cause friction in a marriage, wtf.

        • Shouldernubs

          Well we can see why she does it when he’s not home. He makes too big of a deal about it.
          She shouldn’t need his permission to move a damn microwave.

          • Jackie Fauxe

            No, she shouldn’t need his permission, but things like that are usually decided by both couples–especially if it’s happening a lot.

            Assuming the OP is female, try reversing the genders. How would you feel about the story if the husband was the one moving everything around when his wife wasn’t home, simply because he wanted a “fresh look”?

          • Shouldernubs

            We’ll have to agree to disagree. I’m not sure why switching the genders is supposed to change my opinion. I just don’t think a discussion is needed before moving a microwave.

          • Jackie Fauxe

            Just to clarify, if it had only been the microwave, I’d agree (although I think it still is important to listen to your partner’s opinion on shared matters like this). It just reads like the microwave is the latest in things being moved.

          • Laren Dowling

            Because she admits to a bad pattern of behavior. It’s not about just moving a microwave. It’s about repeatedly shifting things while her husband is at work, because she knows he won’t agree to it. She is aware that her actions upset him, but she keeps doing it anyway, behind his back.
            That’s extremely selfish and disrespectful behavior. And it’s clearly putting a strain on their relationship, if they’re having fights like this and she feels the need to put it out on the internet in an attempt for validation.
            A better solution might be for her to figure out *why* she feels the constant need to change things in her life, and address that underlying need.

          • Shouldernubs

            Oh I see. Well talking about what else she may have moved is just speculation. We don’t know what it is.
            Also – saying she needs to address why she needs change can go either way – we could say her husband needs to address why he is so opposed to a little change. But we aren’t psychologists and we don’t know these people.

          • Laren Dowling

            No, it’s not speculation. She admits in the first line of the story that she moves stuff around a lot. That she likes “a fresh look.”
            That’s nice an all. I like a fresh look on occasion, too. But I still discuss things with my husband before I move them. I don’t rearrange the house behind his back like a child sneaking candy because she knows her mommy will disapprove.

          • Gnomer Denois

            I think the person doing the cooking gets to decide where the microwave goes. In my house that would be my boyfriend, in their house that was OP.

            Moving some furniture around isn’t exactly a permanent decision that requires a long conversation. Plenty of people are set in their ways and they want something in the same place because that’s what they are used to while others like to have change periodically. She moves the furniture around while he’s not there and he comes back then there’s a few things that could happen 1) He doesn’t even realize it because it’s not important to him 2) He notices but doesn’t care or has mild grumbly about getting used to it but as long as it still fits his needs it’s not a big deal or 3) he completely hates how it’s done and wants it moved back, which would be putting his needs above OPs but if OP agrees that it can go back, at least it was tried rather than having OP’s desire for change dismissed outright.

          • Jackie Fauxe

            What makes you think the OP is the only person who does the cooking? In lots of houses both people share the responsibility.

          • Gnomer Denois

            Because OP talks about the troubles they have when cooking and having to carry boiling liquids across the kitchen while dodging small children.

          • Jackie Fauxe

            I understand that, but isn’t it possible that their husband has the same issue?

  • Jake

    Why are items being boiled in a microwave?