Scarier Than Cabin In The Woods

(The resort I work for has many rental units from campsites to deluxe cabins open year-round. I’m currently taking phone calls.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]; how may I help you?”

Customer: “You got any cabins available?”

Me: “For when? For tonight?”

(When people ask this and give no date, it’s for “tonight” 90% of the time, but not this guy:)

Customer: “Ah, no. For [two days from now].”

Me: “It looks like most of our cabins are still open that day.”

(I try to further help him find the cabin that’s right for him, because we have 50+ cabins, and a dozen different layouts and sizes.)

Me: “Do you know which cabin you wanted to rent? Or about what size you needed, like how many bedrooms you need, or how many people you’ll have?”

Customer: “Well, uh, nah. I just wanted to… Hey, how much are they?”

Me: “It would depend on what size cabin you wanted; they range from $160 a night to $600 per night.”

Customer: “Wow, okay, so you can’t tell me how much they are?”

Me: “We have several different sizes of cabins that are all a different cost; it would depend on what size cabin you needed.”

Customer: “I mean, I just wanted to know how much the cabins were.”

(I’m starting to get frustrated at this point; he’s not giving me any information to help him.)

Me: “If you don’t know what size cabin you need, all I can say is that they range from $160 to $600 per night.”

Customer: “Ah, okay, well, tell me what cabin you would like.”

(There’s a very noticeable pause here, because I just can’t fathom how he thinks that will help. I’m thinking I’ll either recommend a one-bedroom cabin that’s too small, or a five-bedroom cabin that costs too much.)

Me: “We have a lot of different options; if you can tell me about how many people you have I can give you a better idea of cost. Do you think it will be two or three people?”

Customer: “Nah, nah, not that many. Uh, um. Well, let me see. So, it may be like eight or ten people.”

(At the lack of basic math skills, I start to suspect prank call, then realize that’s just what I wish it was. My gut tells me he’s just this dumb, but I’m relieved I finally have something to go off of and can start selling.)

Me: “Okay, so, a lot of our cabins can hold six people maximum, and we have just a couple that can hold ten people. A good cabin that would fit your group is the [Cabin #1]; it has [lists all it includes], plus a hot tub outside on the deck. This cabin is $529 per night for one to six people, and $20 more per person after that. So, ten people is $609 per night.”

Customer: “Wow, so really, $600?”

Me: “If you had ten people, yes.”

Customer: “What if I had two people?”

(With most people, I’d suggest a smaller cabin if they only have two people, but this guy seems to be deliberately ignorant, so he’s losing my sympathy.)

Me: “Then it would be $529 per night.”

Customer: “What if I had four people?”

Me: “$529 per night.”

Customer: “Okay, what if the cabin had a hot tub?”

Me: “This cabin does have a hot tub.”

Customer: “Okay, nice, how much is that cabin?”

Me: “That’s the cabin we’re talking about, the [Cabin #1]; it’s $529 per night for one to six people, $609 per night for ten people.”

(Then, his most genuinely insightful line of dialogue is delivered:)

Customer: “Hmm, well, you know, I think I might do a bit more research before deciding. I’ll call you back.”

Me: “Okay, have a nice day.”

​​Customer: *click*

(Every one of our cabins is listed on our website, including photos of inside and out, floor plans, and prices. I also noticed the phone number he dialed to reach us is only listed on the website, so he’d already been to the site once, and decided to call instead of finding the answers for himself.)