Running On EMP-ty
The service provider I work for also happens to be a rural ISP. We run fiber internet to customers in the same town as our office. It’s an old-fashioned town; the company has been doing telephones since the 1920s. Some people still call the fire chief’s phone number instead of 911.
One day, I get a call from a residential customer. He sounds like an older guy.
Caller: “I was calling to see how much power yer V-O-I-P equipment here is usin’.”
Oh s***, I actually don’t know.
Me: “I can certainly find out for you. Do you mind if I put you on hold while I check with our engineers?”
Caller: “Yeah sure, go ahead.”
I ask the other techs. We decide to say it’s about the same as a phone charger. I take him off hold.
Caller: “Right, but exactly how much power are we talking here?”
Me: “Like, the amount of watts?”
Caller: “Yeah.”
Me: “I’d say about five or ten.”
Caller: “Alright. How long do you think it would stay running for with a regular generator?”
Me: “Y’know, I’m not sure. It would depend on the kind of generator you had and how much fuel. Can I ask why you’re hooking our equipment up to a generator?”
Caller: *Rambling passionately.* “Well, I’m just trying to prepare for that EMP that’s coming. I read it on Breitbart. I wanna be ready for when there’s no power. Y’know how all our power is imported from China and all that, well I just want to get off the grid now.”
Me: “I see. Well, we ask that you don’t tamper with our equipment like that. We’ll have to bill you for the replacement if you damage it.”
Caller: *Angry.* “Well how am I supposed to use it if I don’t connect it to a generator?!”
Me: “It’s tied into the rest of your home’s power system. As long as your house has power, your equipment will too.”
Caller: “Oh, well why didn’t you say so! I’ve already got a way to do that. So, the internet will work, then?”
Me: “Well, sir, in the event of an EMP, our service and equipment will be taken out with it. Even if you have power, we won’t.”
Caller: “Well, you should talk to your bosses about getting a generator then!”
I don’t bother explaining EMP physics, that our power actually comes from river dams, or that we already have a diesel generator the size of his trailer and backup batteries to last two weeks.
Me: “I definitely will. Have a great rest of your day.”
I guess it’s good to be prepared.
