Relationships, romance, and break-ups!

Bad Translations Will Undo Close-Knit Families

, , , , | Romantic | March 19, 2021

A knitting pattern and some wool I ordered arrive.

Me: *To my boyfriend* “Crap. The pattern is exclusively in French. Do we know anyone who knits and speaks French?”

Boyfriend: “Why? You speak French; just translate it yourself.”

Me: “This pattern is full of specific knitting terms and abbreviations. I have literally no clue what this part says.”

Boyfriend: “Then use a translation app. That will work.”

I put the text through a translation app and read it over.

Me: “I don’t think this is going to work. I’ll just find another pattern I can use this wool for.”

Boyfriend: “It can’t be that bad. I am sure you can figure it out with the translation.”

Me: “The translated pattern literally tells me to ‘End with your in-laws’ five times. I have no clue what they want me to do, but I am pretty sure the pattern doesn’t want me visiting your parents.”

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Too Much Sugar Isn’t Good For You

, , , , | Romantic | March 12, 2021

I make a post on a website explaining that I’ve lost my job, asking for donations to help me cut down on debt while I search for a job and offering “adoptables” — premade character designs — to people who don’t want to give something for nothing. Usually, when I make posts like this on one particular site, I wind up getting offers from sugar daddies or people trying to ask for my bank details, so I add a disclaimer to my post saying no thanks and no way.

The next day, I sign in to find a message in my inbox.

Stranger: “Hello, how are you doing today? I’m [Stranger] from Michigan. I hope you are well, and nice meeting you. Your profile hits home with me and I like that you seem relaxed and very open. If you would not mind, I’d like you to be my sugar baby. I promise to pay $700 twice a week. Here’s my number [redacted] and my Kik is [redacted]; you can text me. Hoping to read from you soon.”

Me: “So, which part stuck out to you more: the part where my profile says I’m married and monogamous, or my recent post saying I’m not looking for a sugar daddy?”

For reasons man may never know, he didn’t reply.

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The Only Thing Blowing Up Is Your Relationship

, , , , , | Romantic | March 10, 2021

I’m on a trip to London with my girlfriend. We’re on the tube. I’m reading; she’s on her phone. Someone sits down opposite us, who happens to be a Muslim man. I’d like to tell you this is irrelevant, but…

My girlfriend leans over to me and asks if we can get off at the next stop because she’s realised there’s a shop she wants to check out. I agree, and we get off at the next stop. I make my way to the station’s exit, but she stops me.

Girlfriend: “We can get back on the next train.”

Me: “What? But I thought—”

Girlfriend: “I just needed an excuse to get off that particular train.”

Me: “What? Why?”

Girlfriend: *As if it’s obvious* “Well, I was scared we were going to get blown up!”

Me: *Thoroughly confused* “What are you talking about?”

Girlfriend: “The man opposite us. You never know.”

I stare at her.

Me: “That’s— That’s pretty racist!”

Girlfriend: “I’m just being realistic!”

I didn’t know what else to say at that point, so I left it. Our remaining days in London were nice, but this and some other difficulties we’d been having caused me to break up with her soon after we got home.

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I Think I Read A Fanfiction Like This Once

, , , , | Romantic | March 8, 2021

I’m an out-and-proud lesbian. I left the closet at age six and never looked back.

My best friend and I have been BFFs since we were toddlers, and my parents basically raised him and me as siblings — to the point that I call him “Bro” and he calls me “Sis.” I always introduce him as my big brother and he tells his friends I’m his little sister. It helps that he has a passing resemblance to my mom and me.

Singapore has this really dumb law that property can only be owned by people above thirty-five unless they are married. My best friend desperately wants to leave his toxic family and never return, so he needs to get hitched as soon as possible.

[Best Friend] found himself a girlfriend in similar straits, and they agreed to marry after he finished his mandatory military service and saved up enough to afford a flat. My mom also agreed to give him a loan and conveniently forgot to mention any interest or fixed repayment date.

Alas, his girlfriend found herself a better deal with someone else and summarily dumped him about a third of the way through his service, leaving him with a broken heart and even more desperate than before.

He had a backup plan, of course, but it was fairly unpalatable, as it involved renting an apartment with three other guys, and the only people he could find to agree with that were either horrendously immature or slobs.

My BFF is lamenting this conundrum while having dinner at my place, when I decide to “propose” to him right then and there, with the idea that we’ll divorce after he gets a flat. It takes a bit of convincing, but beggars can’t be choosers. My parents have to sweeten the deal by promising a really generous dowry, but he eventually says yes.

We begin preparing to get married. We tell all our friends about it, which is where things get silly.

EVERY SINGLE ONE of them reacts with shock and disgust. “Oh, my God, but he/she is your brother/sister! Isn’t that incest?!” Even some younger members of my family react that way.

It turns out we’ve thought of each other as siblings for so long that we’ve never told any of our friends that we aren’t actually blood-related. And my younger family members — including my actual younger brother — genuinely never realised he wasn’t actually my brother as, since as far back as they could remember, we always told them [Best Friend] was my brother.

After a whole motherload of explanations, the two of us are sitting on my bed and looking dumbstruck at each other.

Me: “I never realised just how many people we told that we were siblings.”

Best Friend: “Yeah, that was awkward. In all fairness, Sis, you’re literally one of the last people I saw myself marrying, so we never saw that as an issue.”

Me: “Huh. For me, you were literally the only guy I even remotely considered marrying. But I see your point, Bro. Never thought we actually would get hitched. You being my sperm donor was obvious, but actually marrying? Nope.”

Best Friend: “I know. It’s one thing to help you have kids. But to actually marry you?”

He shakes his head and lets out a long sigh.

Best Friend:  “Anyway, thanks again, Sis. I owe you big time.”

Me: “Eh, what are best-friends-slash-siblings for? Don’t mention it.”

We hug.

Best Friend:  “Love you, Sis.”

Me: “Love you, too, Bro.”

We stay like that for a while before we let go.

Best Friend: “But after we get married, we absolutely have to introduce ourselves as best friends or a couple. Calling ourselves siblings just causes way too much drama.”

Me: “Crap. That’s not gonna be easy. I’m so used to calling you my brother.”

Best Friend: “It’s not easy for me, either. I literally cannot see you as anything other than my little sister.”

Me: “Same. God, this is so awkward.”

Best Friend: “No kidding. Ah, well, just have to knuckle down and do it.”

I groan.

Despite everything, we get married a year later. We have a beautiful ceremony, swear our vows, and kiss. And every single person that attends says that it feels weird.

Me: “I always wanted to be a bride. I’m one now, but this doesn’t feel real.”

Best Friend: “If someone had told me that I’d be marrying you, I’d have laughed in their faces. I can’t believe we actually are doing it.”

Dad: “I seriously can’t see [Best Friend] as anything other than your brother.”

Mom: “It feels like two of my kids got married at the same time.”

Aunt: “This is so weird. The two of you look like cosplaying siblings.”

Cousin: “Someone please get me some brain bleach. The two of you kissing just looks beyond wrong to me.”

Uncle: “I cannot take this seriously. The two of you look nothing like a couple.”

Homophobic Grandma: “I’m happy you married a man, as is only proper, but even this feels wrong to me.”

Younger Brother: “I feel so much like Tyrion Lannister right now.”

Me: “Noted. I’ll name our son Joffrey, then.”

[Younger Brother] gives me the most horrified look.

Younger Brother: “I was joking!”

Lannister jokes aside, our marriage was perfect. It’s been a couple of years now, and my best friend now has his own flat and is far away from his toxic family. Meanwhile, the ex that dumped him underwent a really messy divorce and lost the flat, stranding her back at square one with nothing to show for it.

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You Must Be New Here

, , , , | Romantic | March 6, 2021

Husband: “What is your email address?”

Me: “First initial, last name, and the month and day of my birthday.”

Husband: “How do you spell that?”

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