You Could Always Try

, , , , , | Romantic | April 21, 2020

The recent quarantine has been hitting my wife especially hard, in part because it’s prevented her from using her prime coping and therapy mechanism: petting dogs.

At home one day, my wife complains that she’s not in the proper mental state to take an online course on assessing happiness. The course is for happiness at work, but I didn’t hear that part. 

I come up with my own suggestion.

Me: “Drink good wine, eat good food, pet good dogs, and have good sex.”

Wife: “It’s for work happiness.”

Me: “Oh.”

Wife: “Besides, I can’t have sex all the time.”

Me: “That’s a very defeatist attitude.”

1 Thumbs

The Ups And Downs Of Marriage

, , , | Romantic | April 18, 2020

My husband and I decide to drive to France for our honeymoon. After hanging out on the beach for a few hours, we come back to find that our car window has been smashed. I frantically search for my purse, and he for his wallet, but they’re gone.

We go to the police to file a report. The German translation service tells the police what happened and they start laughing at us. I can make out something along the lines of “stupid foreigners.” I complain, but they refuse to listen or take a report or help at all.

Having no money means no gas. Luckily, we have nearly a tank full, but that isn’t enough to make it back home. My husband gets a “brilliant” idea: turn the car off and let it roll down the hills! I have never been so terrified in my life. When we run out of gas completely, we have to push the car up hills.

We also have to spend a night in that car, which is cold because of the window and lack of heat.

Let’s just say it’s a honeymoon that I’ll never forget, and an omen I shouldn’t have ignored!

1 Thumbs

Good Buddies With Dill Nye

, , , , , | Romantic | April 15, 2020

My husband and I are laying in bed, awake and on our phones, but too lazy to get up.

Husband: “Oh, I had a weird dream last night.”

Me: “Oh?”

Husband: “Yeah, we got visited by that scientist guy, the one who flies around on the giant aubergine.”

Aubergine is “eggplant,” for our American friends.

Me: “What on earth are you on about?”

Husband: “You know! The science guy! Lemongrass Tyson!”

It clicks.

Me: “You mean Neal DeGrasse-Tyson?!”

Husband: “Yeah!”

1 Thumbs

Checking Out And Checking Each Other Out

, , , , , | Romantic | April 12, 2020

After divorcing her first husband, my aunt starts dating a man 22 years older than her; she is in her thirties. They are at a store, and she enters the checkout line without him. He then walks up while the cashier is ringing her purchases up, and he adds a pack of gum to her items. The cashier looks at her for confirmation, and she says it is okay.

Then, this transpires. It is important to note that at no time does either of them use the other’s name.

The cashier gives a total.

Husband: “I’ll get it.”

He gets his wallet out.

Aunt: “That’s okay; I’ll pay.”

Husband: “Please, let me pay.”

Aunt: “No, I’ve got it.”

Husband: “I insist.”

Aunt: “Okay.”

He pays. As he’s getting his change…

Husband: “Now that I’ve paid for your purchase, will you tell me your name?”

She responded by saying his name, quite loudly.

1 Thumbs

Listening And Communication Are Also Options

, , , , , , , | Romantic | April 9, 2020

I’m a 12-year-old boy. I’m sitting at the dinner table with my dad and my stepmom, who are having a conversation about some details of their relationship. When they successfully finish the conversation, I speak up.

Me: “I don’t understand women.”

Dad: “You’re twenty years ahead of the game, then.”

Me: “What?”

Dad: “Men cannot understand women. The best you can manage is to be loving and kind to them.”

Stepmom: “He’s right. Don’t bother trying to figure us women out. Just give us cuddles and listen when we speak.” 

Dad: “And if you’re ever tempted to argue with one, just remember that the woman is always right.”

I filed that advice away and have had great success in my romantic relationships by following it.

1 Thumbs