Wake Me Up When “September” Ends

, , , , , | Romantic | September 19, 2019

(My husband and I are at a high school concert to watch our two nieces perform. We are both in our 40s, but he’s got six extra years on me. The senior band starts playing Earth, Wind, and Fire’s “September.”)

Me: *to my husband* “You realize this was already playing on oldies stations when they were babies, right?”

Husband: *sigh of oldness*

(The senior band starts playing Henry Mancini’s “Pink Panther Theme,” with our elder niece wailing away on the lead sax.)

Me: “And this was playing on oldies stations when their parents were babies! Feel old yet?”

Husband: *even deeper sigh of oldness*

1 Thumbs
263

Sometimes Loved Ones Can Talk Real Crap

, , , , , | Romantic | September 17, 2019

(My boyfriend has to have emergency surgery to remove an abscess in his a**. As he recently moved here he doesn’t have a place of his own and is staying with me, which is handy as he does need some help to look after the wound. As he needs to shower after every time he poops and I’m the one who washes his wound, I often wait in the bathroom for him to finish. He has been feeling down with all this, so I start give him a hug while he is on the loo.)

Boyfriend: “Why don’t you find this uncomfortable or disgusting?”

Me: “You’re not pooping out of this end.”

1 Thumbs
345

Love And Sarcasm: Together They Can Beat Anything

, , , , , | Romantic | September 15, 2019

(My husband gets a new coworker who was supposed to be of higher qualification, but this guy is consistently behind and incomplete on his work, so my husband has to pick up after him. Thankfully, the coworker transfers to another job at a different company — for a while. I get this text from my beloved while we are both at work.)

Husband: “So, that incompetent guy is back. His other job ‘fell through,’ which I’m guessing means he sucked there, too. Now I get to find ways to keep him occupied while I’m busy.”

Me: *texting back* “Sorry, hun. By ‘fell through,’ I’m imagining someone cutting the floor out from under him Looney-Tunes style.”

Husband: “Yeah, but he’s holding the saw.”

1 Thumbs
362

Maybe It Was A Unicorn Frap

, , , , | Romantic | September 12, 2019

(My partner is the only one who drinks coffee, and she only drinks one cup. To avoid waste, we pour the excess into an ice tray and freeze it. She’ll pop these cubes into her hot chocolate. I use the ice trays to make cheap popsicles. Today, she makes the hot chocolate and stirs in the cube.)

Partner: “Blech! Who knew that frozen coffee could go bad?”

Me: “Well, throw it out. Want me to make you a fresh coffee?”

Partner: “I guess so. Yuck. It turned pink.”

Me: “Pink? Like popsicle pink?”

(Very long pause.)

Partner: “We shall never speak of this again.”

1 Thumbs
404

These Days You Have To Fight Packs Of Wild Dogs To Find Your True Love

, , , , , | Romantic | September 9, 2019

(I am having lunch with a colleague and we’ve been talking about our plans for the weekend. I mentioned someone is cooking dinner for me, and my colleague has guessed it’s a date. She’s trying to get information out of me about the person — particularly how we met — and I’m reluctant to share. I’m female and also prone to getting into weird accidents.)

Colleague: “You know, if you made something up, I wouldn’t be this interested.”

Me: “I realise this in hindsight.”

Colleague: “I’m just going to guess.”

Me: *sensing she’s not being entirely serious* “That’s fine.”

Colleague: “Okay. He’s got a criminal record.”

Me: “I don’t think so. Hasn’t come up.”

Colleague: “Darn, okay. Um. He saved you from wild dogs and that’s how you met?”

Me: “Nope.”

Colleague: “He got into a drunk fight with someone and you’re a bit embarrassed about it.”

Me: “Also no.”

Colleague: “You saved him from wild dogs and–”

Me: “Where did wild dogs come from? What do you think I do in my spare time?”

Colleague: “You lead an interesting life.”

Me: “Not that interesting!”

Colleague: “You really don’t want to say? It can’t be that bad, you know.”

(I weigh it up. I really like this colleague and trust her so I decide to go for it)

Me: “If I tell you, promise you’ll keep it to yourself for now?”

Colleague: “Yes, sure.”

Me: “I’m dating a woman.”

Colleague: “That actually was going to be my next guess.”

(In fairness, I’d assumed until meeting that person that I was straight — and am now coming to terms with my identity — so it isn’t that obvious a thing for her to guess. But I do still have one question…)

Me: “Out of interest, assuming you were asking in order of most to least likely, why was fighting wild dogs more likely than me turning out not to be entirely straight?”

Colleague: “I can just really picture that happening to you.”

1 Thumbs
437