Some People Just Aren’t Compatible

, , , , , | Romantic | April 30, 2020

I am thirty and I just decided to start going to college. Everyone else is between seventeen and nineteen. I come into class, go to my table, and start taking my stuff out of my bag. There are two guys sitting there talking.

Guy #1: “I don’t care what size she is as long as she likes [Popular Space Series]. Oh! And I’m not really into white chicks.”

Guy #2: “Yeah, I don’t like white girls, either.”

Then, they look at me and realize I’m there and happen to be white.

Guy #2: “No offense.”

Me: “Huh? Oh, it’s fine. I don’t like dating little kids.”

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Having A Girlfriend Should Be All The Boost You Need

, , , , , | Romantic | April 28, 2020

I go on a date with my boyfriend to the movies. When he comes to pick me up… there is another girl in the car. When he tells me her name I know it is the girl he has told me about who has a crush on him. I don’t say anything on our way to the movies.

He goes up to get snacks and the girl and I are left alone.

Girl: “He didn’t tell me he had a girlfriend.”

Me: “He didn’t tell me he was bringing anyone else. He did the same thing last time but brought his brother along.”

Girl: “Why would he do this?!”

Me: “He thinks we’ll fight over him and get an ego boost.”

Girl: “Ugh!”

Me: “Yeah. He’s not worth it.”

He comes back and we take our drinks and I look at him.

Me: “She and I are sitting in the top corner to enjoy the movie. You can sit someplace else. Far away.”

He kept asking what he did as we walk in and take our seats, both of us girls agreeing that he was so not worth it. I officially broke up with him that night.

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His Powers Of Deduction Don’t Suck

, , , , , | Romantic | April 27, 2020

I’m on my way out the door when my husband comes upstairs from his home office. I let him know I’m heading to the store to buy “something for the family.” It’s something I’ve researched for a couple of weeks but we’ve never actually discussed it. 

Husband: “Ooh, is it an automatic vacuum cleaner?!”

Me: “Out of everything I could buy, that’s your guess?!”

Husband: “Yep.” 

Me: *Pause* “Yes… it actually is.” 

How in the world he guessed it, I have no idea. In eight years together, I don’t think we’ve ever talked about it. It’s just something I decided on my own that would be nice to have. If only he could the guess lottery numbers that easily!

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Now Less A Girlfriend AND A Good Friend

, , , , | Romantic | April 25, 2020

The guy I’m dating likes to surprise me by visiting me at work. I decide to return the favor. I walk into the store where he works and see him flirting with a female coworker. His back is to me, so he doesn’t realize I’m there. 

I stand there for a minute, debating whether I should just turn around and walk out. The female coworker looks over at me and immediately steps away from him. He turns around, does a double-take, and gives me a big hug.

Boyfriend: “Oh, [My Name]! I didn’t know you were stopping in today!”

Me: “I thought I’d surprise you. But it looks like you’re too busy doing other things.” 

His face turns red.

Boyfriend: “Never too busy for you! Oh, this is [Coworker]. [Coworker], this is [My Name]. She’s my… good friend.”

I raise an eyebrow.

Me: “‘Good friend,’ huh? That’s one way to put it. [Coworker], it’s nice to meet you. I think I’ll let y’all get back to what you were doing.”

I spin around and walk out. He chases me down.

Boyfriend: “C’mon, babe, don’t be like that.”

Me: “What? You don’t like how your good friend is acting?”

Boyfriend: *Pause* “I f***ed up, didn’t I?”

Me: “That’s one way to put it.”

As you can probably guess, THAT relationship didn’t last much longer!

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You’re The Cat’s Pajamas, Honey!

, , , , , | Romantic | April 24, 2020

A few months ago, my wife and I adopted a pair of cats that we both absolutely adore. My wife and I are in our home office doing our own things when I spy the cats entering the room. I reach back and give them both pets, cooing at them.

Me: “Love you, [Cat #1]! Love you, [Cat #2]!”

I notice my wife looking at me, amused.

Me: “Love you, [Wife]!”

Wife: “Oh, I see. I rank below the cats for your affections.”

Me: *Looking insulted* “Of course not! You’re more of an afterthought.”

She laughed and gave me a thumbs up.

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