Two Egg Rolls, Some Chow Mein, And A Cheating Husband

, , , | Right Romantic | September 25, 2019

(I work at a food delivery company. I receive this call.)

Customer: “Hello, I would like to place an order. My number is [number].”

Me: “Right, that will be at [address]; is that correct?”

(There is a slight pause at this point.)

Customer: “Please repeat that.”

Me: “The address is [address].”

Customer: “Under which name?”

Me: “The name listed is [Other Customer] and the last order was on [date]. Is there a problem?”

Customer: “That’s the address of my friend.”

Me: “Oh, I understand. We can change that; where do you reside?”

Customer: “No, you don’t understand.”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “I’m phoning from my husband’s phone. There’s not supposed to be a listed address other than ours.”

Me: “I… I don’t know what to say.”

(I’m feeling awkward and I can hear the customer reaching the point of tears.)

Customer: “He’s cheating on me. I knew it!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “It’s your fault! You took it to them; you should’ve let them starve!”

(She hung up and I was left confused and feeling responsible for some reason.)

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Al Simmons Is Having Babies

, , , , | Romantic | September 25, 2019

(My wife has just gotten a letter; I ask her what it is.)

Wife: “An invite to my cousin’s… What’s that called? Spawning party?”

Me: “Baby shower?”

Wife: “Yes!”

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Talk Like That Again And You’ll Have Cows To Pay

, , , , , | Romantic | September 24, 2019

(My husband and I like to rib each other. Most of our friends and family understand that we do this, even if they don’t understand why. One evening, my husband’s brother and his new girlfriend are over for dinner. We are all sitting outside at the picnic table while my husband grills.)

Husband: “Hey, [My Name], I forgot the basting brush.”

Me: *not moving* “That’s unfortunate.”

Husband: *smiling* “Can you go get it for me?”

Me: *taking a drink* “Uh-huh.”

Girlfriend: *looking between us* “Um… should I go get it?”

Me: “No, he hasn’t asked anyone to go get it.”

Husband:Please go get me the basting brush?”

Me: *dramatic sigh* “I guess I have to do everything around here.”

Husband: “If you did anything, that would be better than what you do now.”

Me: *laughing* “Oh!”

(I go inside to get the basting brush and come out to see my husband being verbally accosted by his brother’s girlfriend.)

Girlfriend: “If [Brother-In-Law] ever talked to me like that, I’d be gone so fast, his head would spin! How dare you?!”

Brother-In-Law: “[Girlfriend], it’s fine.”

Girlfriend: “No, it’s not! How can you say that it’s okay?”

Brother-In-Law: “They’re just goofing around–”

Girlfriend: “Spousal abuse is not a joke!”

Husband: “What?!”

Me: “Oh, [Girlfriend], I really am fine. We’re just playing.”

Girlfriend: *comes to my side* “Don’t worry, [My Name]; you’re safe with me.” *puts her arm around my shoulder*

Me: “I’m safe with [Husband], too. We’re good. Really.”

Girlfriend: *looks at the three of us in turn* “You’re all totally fine with him talking like… like he owns her?”

Husband: “Well, I did give her father two cows and a dozen hens when I asked for her hand, so–”

Girlfriend: *steps forward again* “WHAT?!”

Me: “[Husband]!”

(It took a while longer to convince her that we really were just joking around and my husband wasn’t lazy or abusive. We also had to explain that no, my father did not exchange me for a bunch of farm animals.)

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An Unwelcome Shift

, , , | Romantic | September 23, 2019

(We have a list of phone numbers at work so that we can contact each other to find coverage if we need to call off. The list is locked in the manager’s office so we do need permission to get to it, but it’s posted on the wall so basically anyone in the office can see it. I am at home one morning when a number I don’t recognize texts me.)

Unknown Number: “Hi, [My Name]. It’s [Coworker].”

Me: “Hi, what’s up?”

Coworker: “Are you working today?”

Me: “No, I’m off. Why?”

Coworker: “Oh. Okay.”

(I think the exchange is odd, but it doesn’t raise any red flags so I go about my day. A few hours later, another text.)

Coworker: “Hey, [My Name]. It’s [Coworker].”

Me: “What’s up?”

Coworker: “Are you working tomorrow?”

Me: “Yeah, I’m opening. Why?”

(No response. Again, odd, but not odd enough to worry me. A few more hours pass.)

Coworker: “We haven’t worked together in a while.”

Me: *wondering what is going on* “I guess not.”

Coworker: “I like seeing you at work.”

Me: “Okay…”

(The next day, I’m at work when my coworker comes up to my register. It’s clear he is here on his day off and has nothing to buy, but still he stands at my register and tries to make small talk with me. I’m getting increasingly more uncomfortable but I try to be polite while still attending to my customers. He wanders away a few times when management comes around, but since he isn’t outright doing anything, there’s nothing they can do. At the end of my shift, I see him standing by my car. I bring it up to management and again, they say there’s nothing they can do because now he’s in the parking lot and off the property. I walk to my car, where he is now leaning against the driver’s door.)

Me: “Um. Hi, [Coworker]. What’s going on?”

Coworker: “Oh, I’m just waiting for you.”

Me: “Because…?”

Coworker: “Well, I, um… I was going to, um…” *leans in fast*

Me: *putting my hand on his chest and pushing away* “Woah! There’s been some kind of misunderstanding.”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: “I’m not interested in you like that.”

Coworker: “Why not?”

Me: “I’m just… not.”

Coworker: *starting to whine* “But why?”

Me: *getting annoyed* “Because I’m with someone else. Because I don’t date coworkers.”

Coworker: “But you… you… you’re always flirting with me!”

Me: “No…?”

Coworker: “Yes! All day today! You smile and laugh and talk to me between customers and–”

Me: “You mean I’m polite?! No, [Coworker]. Look. I’m sorry if you thought there was more to this but there’s not.”

Coworker: *now standing defiantly in front of my car door* “Why not?”

Me: “Well, it used to be because I just don’t see you that way. Now it’s because you’re acting like a f****** a**hole and you’re blocking my car.”

Coworker: *begging* “One date. Just one date. You’ll change your mind.”

Me: “Move.”

Coworker: “Just one!”

Me: “Move!”

Coworker: “No!”

Me: “I am either going to kick you in the nuts or call the police if you don’t move.”

Coworker: *sidesteps away from my car, hands over his crotch* “You’re a f****** b****!”

(I dove into my car and drove a few blocks away before calling the store. I told the store manager in no uncertain terms that I would quit if I was scheduled with that particular coworker ever again. She asked why and I gave her the whole story: the texts, standing at the register, everything at the car. The next day I came in, the store manager told me that he had been terminated for misuse of the call list and for harassing me.)

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The Oldies Top Forty

, , , , , , | Romantic | September 21, 2019

(My partner and I are both Generation X. We’re in the car listening to the radio.)

DJ: ”…and tune in this weekend when we play all the songs from the 80s you grew up with! This is [callsign], your favorite Internet oldies station!” *starts playing U2*

Me: *disgruntled* “I really wish they’d stop calling 80s music ‘oldies.’ It’s not!”

Partner: “Well, it was almost forty years ago.” 

Me: *doing the math and finding no way around it* “Shut up.”

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