(I’m a female customer sitting in a pub. I’m approached by a male customer while I read a book.)

Male Customer: “Hello, my name is [Name].”

Me: “That’s nice.”

Male Customer: “So can I have your number?”

Me: “Oh. Actually, I’m gay.”

Male Customer: “You want to have sex with women?”

Me: “Well, not right now. Right now, I just want to read my book.”

Male Customer: “That’s bull-s***! If you’re a lesbian then you want to have sex with women!”

Me: “Honestly, I just want to read my book.”

Male Customer: “You’re lying to me; that’s very rude! I’m going to complain!”

Male Customer: *to a waitress* “That girl over there is being really rude. I want you to do something, it’s disturbing my day. She just lied to me and told me that she was a lesbian, and now she’s mocking me.”

Waitress: “What am I supposed to do about that? Make her straight?”

Male Customer: “Just do something about it!”

Waitress: *to me* “Hello, there.”

Me: “Hello. I’m sorry about him.”

Waitress: “Oh, it’s no problem! So, can I have your number?”

Male Customer: *looks horrified*

Me: “Er, yeah, sure. Here.”

(I write my number on a napkin and she takes it, still smiling.)

Waitress:*to male customer* “See? She’s a lesbian.”

Male Customer: “That’s not what I wanted you to do! I didn’t want you to ask her out, I wanted you to make her leave! I demand to speak to your manager!”

Waitress: “Oh, he’s just popped out. I can get his boyfriend for you though if you want?”

Male Customer: *storms out cursing*

(It turned out that the waitress was kidding about her manager, but she wasn’t kidding about asking me out!)

This story is part of the misunderstood-lesbians-themed roundup!

Read the next misunderstood-lesbian-themed roundup story!

Read the misunderstood-lesbian-themed roundup!

Customer: “I’d like to order a cake.”

Me: “All right, what size cake did you want?”

(We go through the details of the cake.)

Me: “And what did you want the cake to say?”

Customer: “Welcome home from jail. Will you marry me?”

Me: “Okay…”

(The next week, the same customer comes back in with the cake.)

Customer: “I’d like a refund.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. What is wrong with it?”

Customer: “He said no!”

This story is part of our Proposals roundup!

Read the next Proposals roundup story!

Read the Proposals roundup!

Caller: *on the phone* “I’d like a quote to insure two cars. Do I get a discount if it’s for two cars?”

Me: “Yes, as long as they’re registered at the same address.”

Caller: “Okay, first I need a quote for my wife’s car.”

(I run through the details and tell him the price.)

Caller: “Okay, now I need a quote for my girlfriend’s car.”

Me: “Er… okay.”

Caller: “Do I get a discount on the second one, then?”

Me: “Only if they’re registered at the same address.”

Caller: “Okay.”

Me: *confused* “Do your wife and your girlfriend live at the same address?”

Caller: “What do you think I am? Stupid?”

This story is part of our Cheaters roundup!

Click here to read the next story!

Click here to go to the roundup!

Coworker: “Yes, miss. I understand it’s an emergency, But let me ask my coworker. He probably knows what you’re looking for!”

Me: “What’s going on?”

Coworker: “This woman was sent in looking for an item. She said it’s called a… a… something capacitor.”

Me: “Well, we don’t really carry any capacitors here. That’s more of a true electronics store thing.”

Customer: “Please, it’s my son’s birthday and my husband says that we desperately need to find a 120-volt flux capacitor for my son’s Xbox!”

Me: “Ma’am, unless you have a Mr. Fusion, I don’t know where you’re gonna need something like that.”

Customer: “What do you mean? My husband said this was an emergency! I have been to three stores and no one knows what I’m talking about!”

Me: *laughs* “Well, your husband sent you for a part to a time machine.”

Customer: “I am going to kill that man!”

This story is part of the Pranks roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

10 Strange Stories About Customer Conspiracy Theorists

Read the next Pranks roundup story!

Read the Pranks roundup!

Customer: “I have a big problem. You cut off my head!”

Me: “I’m sorry? How did I cut off your head?”

(The customer shows me an obviously self-taken picture, with the top of his head removed.)

Me: “Sir, it looks like it was taken that way.”

Customer: “No, it wasn’t! My whole head was there when I took it. I’m sure!”

Me: “Okay, let me see your memory card…”

(The customer hands it to me, and I go in the lab and pull it up on the computer. Sure enough, he chopped his own head off in the picture.)

Me: “Sir, that is the whole image, and the top of your head isn’t in it.”

Customer: “But it’s DIGITAL! Can’t you fix it?”

Me: “You can’t create something from nothing.”

Customer: “But… but… but… I need a photo for a dating website!”

Me: “Give me the camera and go stand over there.”

Customer: *excited* “Hot d***! You can be my best man!”

Me: “A thank you card will be enough.”

(Skip ahead nine months…)

Female customer: “Is your name [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes, can I help you?”

Female customer: “My husband wanted you to have this.” *hands me an envelope*

(I opened the envelope, and sure enough, there was a thank you card with a picture of him and his wife. He actually got married and sent her in with the card!)