(My boyfriend and I are talking about Chinese wedding dresses after a friend of his got married.)

Me: “If we ever get married, I’m gonna have to get one made here before we go.”

Boyfriend: “Why? They do sell them there.”

Me: “Well, yes, but I’m not exactly shaped like a Chinese girl. ”

Boyfriend: “Oh, it’s okay. We have fat girls in China too!”

(For the record, I was referring to the fact that I have a decently sized chest. I did end up marrying him and found the one dress that fit me, too!)

(My boyfriend and I have been caught by the police for having a little too much fun in his parked car. As part of the requisite talking-to while we are putting on our clothes, the officer gives him the following advice…)

Police Officer: “Man, this is a nice girl.”

Boyfriend: “I-I know.”

Police Officer: “You can’t treat her like this. You can’t take her to a parking lot. You gotta take her someplace nice.”

Boyfriend: “Like what?”

Police Officer: “Like the Econo-Lodge.”

(My mom is deaf in one ear, so she can’t hear very well. My dad takes advantage for fun, but he’s starting to go deaf too.)

Mom: *sneezes*

Dad: “Shut up!”

Mom: “Thank you!”

Dad: “You’re welcome. See? This is why I married this woman.”

Me: *stifling a laugh* “Dad, what are you going to do when you start losing your hearing?”

Dad: “Huh?”

Mom: “What?”

Me: “Oh god, never mind. You two are perfect for each other.”

Dad: “Huh?”

Mom: “What’d he say?”

Dad: “What’d you say?”

Mom: “Huh?”

Dad: “What?”

(I slam my head on my desk out of frustration.)

Mom: “Why’s he slamming his head on the table?”

Dad: “I dunno.”

Mom: “What?”

(Note: we’re sitting at home watching a sci-fi action movie.)

Me: “This is definitely a guy’s movie. The short nerdy guy gets the hot exotic model type.”

Husband: “Yep, every guy’s dream!”

Me: “Yeah, but in real life normal men get boring, plain women like me!” *laughs*

Husband: “That is so true…”

Me: *speechless*

(My boyfriend and I are a fairly new couple. One day, he tells me that he’s gotten something for my birthday, and that we need to pick it up at the mall.)

Me: “Where are we going?”

Him: “It’s a surprise!”

(We walk into the elevator and go to the second story. The elevator doors open and we walk out.)

Him: “Okay, which way is Tiffany’s?”

Me: *my jaw drops* “Um, this way, to the left…”

Him: “Oh, good! We’re going this way to the right!”

(He takes me in the opposite direction of Tiffany’s. He didn’t get me a ring, so he’s lucky he didn’t get in as much trouble as he should have!)