(I’m visiting with my grandparents. My grandpa is trying to open a bag of cookies, and accidentally rips it so they end up spilling all over the floor. Note that my grandmother doesn’t hear very well. )
Grandpa: “SON OF A B****!”
Grandma: *from the other room* “Charlie did you just call me?”
Grandpa: “Um, yeah…I said I love you!”
Grandma, to me: “Make sure you take notes from him. A girl loves to hear that from time to time!”
Grandpa and me: *laughing hysterically*
(Note: “bow” in this context refers to the front of a boat.)
Me: “I am firmly anchored to you.”
Girlfriend: “Does that mean I’m the bottom of the sea?”
Me: “Or a boat. Which would you rather be?”
Girlfriend: “I’m not a boat. What a rude thing to think of your girlfriend!”
Me: “You could be a luxury yacht…”
Girlfriend: “Big and expensive?”
Me: “Luxurious and with a large bow.”
Girlfriend: “Hmm, maybe. You seem to have talked your way out of that one. Congratulations.”
Me: “You should expect no less from your anchor.”
Girlfriend: “I love you more than any boat has ever loved an anchor!”
(My boyfriend and I were at a beer tasting the night before, and got a little tipsy because both of us were lightweights. As a result, we ended up saying “I love you” to each other for the first time. Flash forward to the next day.)
Me: “So you meant what you said last night?”
Boyfriend: “Well, I was horny and I was drunk. But I’d been wanting to say it for ages, so it seemed as good a time as any!”
Me: *laughing*
(Note: I have brown eyes.)
Him: “I love your eyes.”
Me: “Aww…”
Him: “They’re like chocolate…”
Me: *squee*
Him: “Or mud…”
Me: *facepalm*
(My boyfriend and I are at dinner with friends. Most of them are married or in long-term relationships. As we are leaving the table, he wraps his arm around me and suddenly grabs me just above my hip.)
Me: “Ow! What are you doing?”
Boyfriend: “Hmmmmm…”
Me: “What? What is it?”
Boyfriend: *squeezing my hip* “It’s like a pastry thingie.”
Me: “What?!”
Friend: “Did you just call her fat?”
Boyfriend: “I meant…like…like baklava. Sweet? And layered?”
Me: *fuming*
Friend: “I don’t think she’s buying it, dude.”
