(My boyfriend and I are cuddling in bed one night and discussing what kind of parents we’ll be.)
Boyfriend: “I’m going to be that dad that greets his daughter’s boyfriend with a shotgun.”
Me: “What if our daughter is a lesbian?”
Boyfriend: “Way to burst my bubble, hon.”
(My boyfriend calls me on his way to work. He knows I love flowers, but he normally only brings them to me on our anniversary or my birthday.)
Boyfriend: ‘”Hi, honey. I just wanted to let you know that the flower shop next to the canal near our house has really good prices.”
Me: “Oh, really? So I’m going to get some flowers today?”
Boyfriend: “No, I just thought I’d let you know since you really like flowers. You know, you could buy some…they’re really cheap!”
Me: “What the heck? You’re calling me to tell me to buy flowers for myself?!”
Boyfriend: “I’d give you the money later if it would make you feel like I bought them for you!”
(I work in a deli making sandwiches to order. I’ve just finished making sandwiches for a young couple.)
Me: “Are you guys together?”
Male customer: “Um…well…we’ve been seeing each other for a while, like a few weeks…I don’t know if we’d say we’re together…I don’t think–”
Female customer: “Yes, we are.” *turns to him* “She just wanted to know if we were paying together!”
(My university has this beautiful old tree on campus called The Century Tree that couples traditionally get engaged under. While killing time waiting for my boyfriend one night, I am walking by it with some of my friends and see that there are a bunch of guys in a saber arch and a crowd gathered.)
Me: “Oh, look! Somebody’s getting proposed to! [Friend #1], do you want to go watch? I know you’ve never seen one before.”
Friend #1: “Sure, let’s go stalk them.”
Friend #2: “Come on, let’s get a good viewpoint.”
(All of my friends start walking right up the middle of the plaza where the girl being proposed to usually walks.)
Me: “You guys, get out of the way!”
(I attempt to hide behind one of my friends.)
Friend #3: “Dude, it’s fine.”
Me: “No, she’s going to show up any second and we are directly in the way! Go over there and sit down or something! God, this is embarrassing! Everyone’s looking at us!”
Friend #2, to me: “Get out from behind me!”
Me: “Oh god, you guys, seriously…”
(Finally, [Friend #3] gives up.)
Friend #3, to me: “WILL YOU JUST PLEASE LOOK RIGHT THERE!”
(He points to the tree. I look over and see my boyfriend standing there. He’s wearing his nicest uniform and looking completely confused.)
Me: *light bulb goes on* “Ooooooh!”
(Later, my new fiancé confessed that he had a mild panic attack when I attempted to hide behind one of my friends. I am the most oblivious person on the planet.)
(I am getting out of the shower, and my fiancé is combing his hair in front of the mirror.)
Me: “Ugh, it takes so long to shave my legs!”
Fiancé: “Yeah, you’ve got a lot of area to cover.”
Me: “…”
Fiancé: *panicked look* “I mean…your legs are big! I mean…long! You know what I mean!” *runs out of bathroom*
