(We’ve decided to do a low-key marriage, so we’ve hired a guy to do all of the legal paperwork at our home.)
Me: “I do.”
Hubby: “I do.”
(The paperwork guy gets all of the signatures and takes off. I open a bottle of Prosecco and serve it to our witnesses, and find that my new hubby has taken off.)
Me: “What are you doing?!”
Hubby: “I had to update my Facebook relationship status.”
(I tried to be angry, but it was kind of sweet!)
(I’m on the phone with my new girlfriend and am inviting her to go to prom.)
Me: “So, do you want to go with me?”
Girlfriend: “How much are the tickets?”
Me: “$65, but that includes dinner and dessert.”
Girlfriend: “Wow, that’s a lot. Can you ask about the refund policy?”
Me: “What?”
Girlfriend: “Well, I mean, there’s a chance we’ll break up between now and then. And I don’t want to be out that much money.”
Me: *speechless*
(We did end up breaking up before prom because she cheated on me.)
(Note: My boyfriend enjoys teasing me playfully, especially about my weight. Sometimes, however, he goes a little far.)
Boyfriend: “Wow…watching you is like watching a plate of jello jiggle.”
Me: “Fine! You don’t have to see it then!”
(I storm out of the room, only for my boyfriend to chase after me. He catches up and hugs me close to him.)
Boyfriend: “You know I love you more than anything else in this world, right? ”
(He leans in and kisses me on the lips, but as he pulls away a huge loogie escapes from his mouth and lands on my face.)
Me: “Ugh! You just drooled on me!”
(He leans in close for another kiss. He has a serious look on his face.)
Boyfriend: “Shhhh…it’s a gift!”
(I’ve brought in some homemade biscuits for my coworkers to enjoy. Towards the end of the night, one of them comes up to me.)
Coworker: “If you were a customer, I would kiss you right now.”
Me: “What?”
Coworker: “Those biscuits you made were amazing. I’m going to marry you for those biscuits!”
Me: “Okay!”
(Several days later, my coworker comes up to me again.)
Coworker: “I’m divorcing you.”
Me: “Why?”
Coworker: “You’re never on my side. You can take the car, the card, and the kids. I get the house!”
(My boyfriend and I are cuddling in bed one night and discussing what kind of parents we’ll be.)
Boyfriend: “I’m going to be that dad that greets his daughter’s boyfriend with a shotgun.”
Me: “What if our daughter is a lesbian?”
Boyfriend: “Way to burst my bubble, hon.”
