(I have been dating my boyfriend for a few months and want to tell him how I am feeling. My boyfriend is doing a PhD in math and is extremely, painstakingly accurate about everything.)

Me: “You make me really happy. I’ve really enjoyed the time we’ve been spending together. I feel really strongly about you.”

(My boyfriend nods and smiles. I wait expectantly for a response, but he just looks confused.)

Me: “Well? Don’t you feel the same as I do?”

Boyfriend: “No.”

Me: “What?! Why not?”

Boyfriend: “Well, I feel analogous to what I perceive to be the way you feel. Since I am not you, and therefore cannot experience your feelings directly, I cannot say that I feel the same as you do because I can never know exactly how you feel. I feel that what I understand you to be describing as your experience is something that I agree with and relate to, but it would be inaccurate to say that I ‘feel the same’.”

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(My friend has just turned legal drinking age, so we take him out for drinks on his birthday. Needless to say, we get him exceedingly drunk, and he musters up an unnecessary amount of courage to start talking to an attractive woman in the bar.)

Friend: “Hey there sugar-cookie, what’s your name? My number is [his name].”

(The woman is already laughing, and doesn’t stop him.)

Friend: “You’re really hot. We should totally ditch this place and go somewhere or something or other.”

(Another man steps in and gets involved in this interaction.)

Man: “Back off of my girl, buddy. She isn’t going anywhere, especially not with you. You’d better leave now before you get roughed up. Your call.”

(Worried for my friend’s safety, I intervene.)

Me: “Sorry about that, bro. He just turned legal and we put a little too much in him. Don’t let it get to you.”

Friend: *butts back in* “Hey! She’s really hot! You can’t exactly blame me for trying!”

Man: “Well, alright. He’s got a really good point there.”

(I drag my friend away from the couple and take him back to our booth. About ten minutes later, the waitress comes over with a drink. It was for my friend, from the woman that he had hit on.)

Him: “I want to see that tattoo on your back again.”

Me: “Well, since I don’t like wearing clothes to bed, you’ll see it later, won’t you?”

Him: *poking my cheek* “We should go to bed now.”

Me: “It’s 6 pm! I haven’t gone to bed that early in 15 years!”

Him: “It’s not like we’d be sleeping.”

(My cat jumps up into my lap and makes himself comfortable.)

Me: “You’ve been vetoed.”

Him: *to the cat* “Move, fuzzy!”

(I am near-sighted and wear glasses. When I return to school in September, I have contacts. They keep itching, so I switch back to glasses in mid-October. I am walking in the hall when I trip and my glasses fall off. A girl picks them up for me, but this girl is known for being a bully.)

Me: “Thank you. I’m so glad they didn’t break.”

Bully: “Why don’t you go back to your contacts? You looked so much nicer.”

Me: “Well, thank you. The contacts made my eyes itch. I just couldn’t adjust to them.”

Bully: “Oh, don’t be such a wuss. You should’ve just waited longer. Besides, glasses are ugly. No one will want to date a four-eyed freak.”

Me: “I don’t really care. I need them to see.”

(I start to walk away, but she keeps teasing me.)

Bully: “Haha! No wonder you’ve never had a boyfriend! Four eyes! Four eyes!”

(I try to ignore her, but I’m not watching where I’m going because I feel embarrassed, and trip again. This makes my glasses fall off again. Of course, she laughs at me. I pick them up when a boy, who happened to be the bully’s ex-boyfriend, comes out of the bathroom and asks what’s going on.)

Bully: *to the boy* “Hey, tell her how ugly she looks! She thinks she looks so cute with those glasses!”

Me: “No, I said I don’t care how I look. I need them to see!”

Bully: “Tell her she should go back to her contacts!”

Boy: “Why would I do that? I think if she’s wearing glasses, contacts probably hurt her eyes.”

Bully: “But, doesn’t she look so ugly? Tell her glasses are ugly!”

Boy: “If anyone is ugly, it’s you with that attitude of yours! For the record, I happen to think she’s very adorable with her glasses. In fact…”

(He comes up to me.)

Boy: “Can I have your number, please?”

Me: *in disbelief* “Really?”

Boy: “Oh, yes, please! It would be so nice to date a girl who’s not obsessed with her appearance. May I?”

(I am browsing on my spartphone when my girlfriend approaches with a concerned look on her face.)

Her: “Babe, I’m sorry. I have to have this conversation. Your dog has got to go.”

Me: “What! Why?”

Her: “He doesn’t like me, he growls all the time. And he eats my very expensive shoes!”

Me: “No way! I love that Dog!”

Her: “And you don’t love me?”

Me: “Sure, but he costs me less!”