(I’m 18, and he’s 20.)

Him: “Hey, I need to get home before 7 pm.”

Me: “Oh okay. You have to work or something?”

Him: “No, Mom just doesn’t want me out after dark.”

(I am getting changed to go for a run, in preparation for a trip to Australia.)

Me: “See, this is why I have to go running. I was wearing these shorts last summer and now I can’t even get them over my thighs, let alone do up the button!”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, but they were ridiculously tight anyway.”

(I just stare at him.)

Boyfriend: “What, no! You’re putting horrible words in my mouth! I never said that!”

(I continue to stare.)

Boyfriend: “I…uh…” *runs out of the room panicking*

Husband: *tries to give me a hug* “We fit together perfectly. We’re like two Lego’s.”

Me: *pushing him away* “I’m tired. What do you want?”

Husband: “Never mind. You must be one of those off-brand Lego’s.”

(I run into my ex at the library. We have not dated for a year.)

Ex: “Hey, what’s up?”

Me: “Hey, not too much. Pretty stressed out.”

Ex: “Oh, I’m sorry! I love you!”

Me: *surprised* “Um…cool, see you later!”

(I am talking with my boyfriend about the special occasion wine I got him for his birthday.)

Boyfriend: “One of these winter nights we’ll sit in front of the fireplace upstairs. Just the two of us.”

Me: “Aww!”

Boyfriend: “With this wine.”

Me: “And some treats?”

Boyfriend: “And some treats, and some music. *kisses me*

Me: “Aww!”

(He farts.)

Me: “Uugh!”

Boyfriend: “What? I can’t have you overflowing with romantic stuff! I had to bring you down a notch, for safety!”