Wife: “If I became a zombie, would you kill me?”

Me: *without hesitation* “Yes.”

Wife: “You didn’t even hesitate! You would really kill me if I was a zombie?”

Me: “Yes. You’d be an undead flesh eater, who would jeopardize my personal safety. You would keep zombie me alive?”

Wife: “Yes, why wouldn’t I?”

(She begins to get a bit upset.)

Me: “I would want to eat you and the kids. Also, I would… Wait, wait, back up. Are we seriously arguing over this?”

(My wife pauses and thinks, and then bursts out laughing.)

Wife: “I’m sorry, that was stupid to get upset over. Good night!”

Me: “Braaaains!”

(My boyfriend and I are on our way home doing some Christmas shopping. He suggests stopping for a drink on the way.)

Me: “Not tonight, hun. I’m wearing jeans and a sweatshirt and that’s a pretty fancy place!”

Boyfriend: “Who cares, I’m not dressed to impress anyone. You’re not impressing anyone. Let’s just stop in for one drink.”

Me: “Wait, what?!”

Boyfriend: “I mean… wait! That’s not what I meant – you always impress me! You look great!”

*deathly silence*

Boyfriend: “We’ll just go straight home.”

Me: “Yes. We will.”

(My boyfriend and I have a running joke about how our entire relationship is built on hypocrisy and double standards, in a good way. I am tickling him.)

Boyfriend: “Do you really want to start this? You know I always beat you?”

Me: “I know.”

(I stop for about ten seconds and then start again. He starts tickling me.)

Me: “No, no, stop! That’s not fair.”

Boyfriend: “Yet more double standards.”

Me: “If we get engaged, we should have that engraved on the inside of our rings. I want to be double standards.”

Boyfriend: *affectionately* “Then I’ll be your hypocrite.”

Boyfriend: “I was asked if I would rather be deaf or blind. I said deaf.”

Me: “I would have said that too. Life would be too hard if you can’t see anything.”

Boyfriend: “Actually, I was going to say blind at first.”

Me: “What made you change your mind?”

Boyfriend: “You’re too beautiful.”

Me: “Awww!”

(My boyfriend and I are watching TV on his computer. He shifts over to my side of the bed to fart.)

Me: “Why?! Why would you do this?!”

(My boyfriend is laughing too hard to respond.)

Me: “When you’re asleep in the middle of the night, I should roll over and fart on you!”

Boyfriend: *completely serious* “Don’t fart what you can’t finish.”