(My family is over at my house for Christmas. My cousin and his girlfriend have just got engaged. For Christmas, they get a slow cooker.)
Cousin: “You mean I can put dinner in before I leave for work, and it’ll be ready when I’m home?”
Aunt: “Yeah, you can put it on a timer.”
Cousin: “It’ll be just like having another [fiancée’s name]!”
Cousin’s fiancée: *death glare*
(I kiss my boyfriend while he’s sleeping.)
Boyfriend: “You’re doing that weird thing with your lips again.”
Me: “You mean kissing you?”
Boyfriend: “Yeah. It’s annoying.”
Me: “Excuse me?!”
Boyfriend: *waking up fully* “Aw crap. What did I say?”
(My boyfriend and I are shopping at a fashion store in my hometown. He has just bought me a really pretty set of three rose earrings as a gift, and surprises me with them when we leave the store.)
Me: “Oh, sweetie, I love these! They are so pretty.”
Boyfriend: “Yeah, I knew you’d like them. And there are three, so my mom can have the other two pairs.”
Me: “Wait. They’re not just for me?”
Boyfriend: “Of course not. My mom will feel bad if I bought you a present and not her!”
(I text my boyfriend to tell him about the tiny table I have replaced my desk with.)
Me: “My table is so cute!”
Him: “Lol. Which one?”
Me: “My little kitchen-y table. It’s so little and cute, and it comes with chairs!”
Him: “That’s why I like you!”
Me: “I’m cute, and I come with chairs?”
Him: “Exactly.”
(My girlfriend and I are unemployed college kids. We are on a triple date at a bowling alley. One of our friends is giving the other some bowling tips.)
Friend: *to the other friend* “Your bowling tips aren’t working!”
Me: *to my girlfriend* “You know what else isn’t working?”
Girlfriend: “What?”
Me: “Us.”
Girlfriend: *hurt* “What?”
Me: “Oh crud! I meant we’re both unemployed; jobless. We aren’t working!”
Girlfriend: *relieved but stern* “Oh.”
Me: “Sorry, poor choice of words.”
Girlfriend: “Yeah. Would you like to rephrase that?”
Me: “No, I’ll just take a beer and forget I said anything.”
Girlfriend: “Yeah, good idea.”
