(I’m talking to my mom and dad during dinner, when I notice that my dad and I have finished eating already. My mom is only halfway done.)

Me: “Wow, you eat slow.”

Mom: “I know I do! Oh, did I ever tell you?”

Me: “What?”

Mom: “When I was dating your father and he made dinner, he’d eat really quickly and leave just a little bite left.”

Me: “What for?”

Mom: “That way he would wait for me to finish eating, and we could finish eating together.”

Me: “Aww!”

(Dad rolls eyes and chuckles.)

Me: “Wow. Even back then he knew you were slow.”

(I’m attempting distract my 2-year-old daughter, by trying to get her to do a dance workout game with me.)

Me: “Honey, please come dance with mommy!”

Daughter: “No!”

Husband: “Mommy’s fat because you won’t dance with her.”

Me: “I love waking up next to you.”

Husband: “I love your snoring. Even though you’re really loud sometimes.”

Me: “You’re really not good at the romantic stuff.”

Husband: “What? I’m really romantic! I just told you I love the bad things about you!”

Me: “Babe, I want to adopt a gorilla through the WWF for my birthday.”

Boyfriend: “What does Vince McMahon have to do with adopting a gorilla?”

Me: “Who?”

Boyfriend: “The head of the World Wrestling Federation.”

Me: “No! WWF is World Wildlife Fund.”

Boyfriend: “Oh. Well if you adopt a gorilla, then I want a donkey show at my bachelor party.”

(I’ve just had my wisdom tooth removed, and have been told to eat only soft cool foods for a few days. My boyfriend and I are driving back from the supermarket.)

Me: “Hey, does my face look swollen?”

Boyfriend: “Well, I can’t see right now cause you’re on a weird angle.”

Me: “No, I mean, have you noticed if its looking swollen?”

Boyfriend: “Well, your face always looks lop-sided, so…”

(My smile fades, and I give him the death stare.)

Boyfriend: *laughing* “No! You’re beautiful. Even if your face is lop-sided.”