Pass The Trial, Walk Down The Aisle

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Romantic | October 19, 2011

(I answer the phone at home. A female caller answers.)

Me: “Yup?”

Female caller: “Hello! Is this [name]?”

Me: “That’s me.”

Female caller: “Great! I need your help with something?”

Me: “Sure, what is it?”

Female caller: “Will you marry me?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Female caller: “Yes, I said if you wanted to marry me?”

Me: “I don’t know who you are, first of all.”

Female caller: “I’m [name I don’t recognize]. Now, will you?”

Me: “Uh…no. First of all, I have a girlfriend. Second, I’m engaged. Third and final, I’m getting married next week. Better luck with someone else.

Female caller: “So you’re not marrying me?”

Me: “I wouldn’t marry you unless you’re my girlfriend.”

Female caller: “I see. That’s a shame.”

Me: “Huh?”

Female caller: “I am your girlfriend, you dumba**!”

(We still ended up getting married; she was just wondering how faithful I was, apparently!)

When Both Sides Of The Bed Are Wrong

| Virginia, USA | Romantic | October 18, 2011

(My husband and I have just woken up on a lazy Sunday morning. He rolls over to kiss me.)

Husband: “I never get tired of waking up next to you.”

Me: “Awwww.”

Husband: “I really think I love you the most in the morning.”

Me: “Oh yeah?”

Husband: “Yeah.” *kisses me again* “Because you haven’t had a chance to do anything stupid and f*** it up yet!”

Me: “I see you’re certainly getting an early start, though!”

They’re Useful For Clawing Creeps

| San Jose, CA, USA | Romantic | October 17, 2011

(I have long fingernails that usually have artwork on them. A guy about 20 years my senior comes up to me when I’m reaching for an item on a shelf.)

Guy: “Wow, I really love your nails!”

Me: “Oh, thank you.”

Guy: “I hope you have someone who appreciates what those nails can do!”

Me: “Uh, I do.”

Guy: “Does he treat you like a princess? Because if not, I know of someone who will.”

Me: “Oh, he does.”

Guy: “Do you suppose we could clone you?”

Me: “Uh…I don’t think the world needs more than one of me.”

Guy: “I guess it would be unethical. Well, bye now! You take care of those nails!”

(He walks off. I go to find my boyfriend and stay with him until we’re done shopping.)

A Stench Made In Heaven

| New Mexico, USA | Romantic | October 17, 2011

(My hubby and I have only been married for three months. One night, he comes home from work and starts getting ready for bed.)

Me: “You need a shower.”

Hubby: “I know, don’t worry! I won’t make you smell my ball sweat!”

Me: “Why did ‘ball sweat’ remind me to take my birth control?”

Hubby: “Welcome to marriage, babe.”

Support Me Or My Weight, But Not Both

| Painted Post, NY, USA | Romantic | October 17, 2011

(My husband and I are shopping for a cheap sling back chair that I need to take to a meeting for work. We’re looking in the outside lawn and garden section and decide to ask an associate for help. The clerk brings out a small, inexpensive chair.)

Me: “Awesome. That is just what I want.”

Husband: “Are you sure you don’t want to try it out first?”

Me: “I’m using it for a two or three hour meeting. It’s fine.”

Husband: “I really think you should try it out.”

Me: “What is there to try? It’s a chair.”

Husband: “Well…I just want to make sure that it will hold your weight.”

Me: *not amused*

Clerk: “If you want to punch him, I see nothing!”

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