Relationships, romance, and break-ups!

A Fart From The Heart

| Romantic | November 18, 2011

(Note: I am incredibly short.)

Him: “Hehe, midget…”

Me: “Really? That’s all you have to say?”

Him: “That’s what I say every time I talk about you!”

(He leans over and puts his head on my shoulder.)

Me: “I hope you didn’t come all the way over here for a kiss after that!”

Him: “But I love you! Also, I have a present for you.”

Me: “Oh, really?”

Him: “Yeah!” *farts* “It might be a fart!”

Me: “Oh god, get off me!”

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Amanda Bug-Out-And-Miss

| Romantic | November 18, 2011

(My boyfriend and I are sitting at home. He gets a call from a number he doesn’t know.)

Boyfriend: “Hello?”

Caller: “Why are you doing this to Amanda?”

Boyfriend: “Excuse me, what?”

Caller: “Stop the ****. This is your sister, and I’m sitting here with Amanda and she’s really pissed at you. Come back…”

(She goes on for awhile about Amanda and her boyfriend. My boyfriend has long since put this on speaker so we can both listen to his “sister’s” rant.)

Boyfriend: “I don’t know any Amandas. And my girlfriend is sitting right here with me. Who are you looking for?”

(For the next few moments, the two women on the phone scream at my boyfriend about how they knew he was cheating on Amanda and how they’re “gonna get” him.)

Boyfriend: “My name is John [last name].”

Caller: “Oh…” *pauses* “Not John [different last name]?”

Boyfriend: “Promise.”

Caller: *hangs up*

(My boyfriend and I sit there for a little, shocked. Finally, I speak up.)

Me: “If you ever meet anyone named Amanda, run away.”

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In Lieu Of A Refund, Exchanges Are Also Accepted

| Romantic | November 17, 2011

(I’m on the phone with my new girlfriend and am inviting her to go to prom.)

Me: “So, do you want to go with me?”

Girlfriend: “How much are the tickets?”

Me: “$65, but that includes dinner and dessert.”

Girlfriend: “Wow, that’s a lot. Can you ask about the refund policy?”

Me: “What?”

Girlfriend: “Well, I mean, there’s a chance we’ll break up between now and then. And I don’t want to be out that much money.”

Me: *speechless*

(We did end up breaking up before prom because she cheated on me.)

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The Gift That Keeps On Dripping

| Romantic | November 17, 2011

(Note: My boyfriend enjoys teasing me playfully, especially about my weight. Sometimes, however, he goes a little far.)

Boyfriend: “Wow…watching you is like watching a plate of jello jiggle.”

Me: “Fine! You don’t have to see it then!”

(I storm out of the room, only for my boyfriend to chase after me. He catches up and hugs me close to him.)

Boyfriend: “You know I love you more than anything else in this world, right? ”

(He leans in and kisses me on the lips, but as he pulls away a huge loogie escapes from his mouth and lands on my face.)

Me: “Ugh! You just drooled on me!”

(He leans in close for another kiss. He has a serious look on his face.)

Boyfriend: “Shhhh…it’s a gift!”

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Baked-In Prenups

| Romantic | November 17, 2011

(I’ve brought in some home-made biscuits for my coworkers to enjoy. Towards the end of the night, one of them comes up to me.)

Coworker: “If you were a customer, I would kiss you right now.”

Me: “What?”

Coworker: “Those biscuits you made were amazing. I’m going to marry you for those biscuits!”

Me: “Okay!”

(Several days later, my coworker comes up to me again.)

Coworker: “I’m divorcing you.”

Me: “Why?”

Coworker: “You’re never on my side. You can take the car, the card, and the kids. I get the house!”

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