Hats Off To The Hat

| USA | Romantic | October 5, 2011

(At the time of this conversation, my wife and I were estranged. She had requested a picture of me to show to our son for his birthday via text message. I was wearing the fedora she bought me as a gift the previous year. I sent the picture and the following exchange happened over the phone.)

Her: “Well, at least you still look good.”

Me: “Thanks.”

Her: “I see you got a new hat. Looks good. Some woman buy it for you?”

Me: “Yeah. She is kind of hot, too.”

Her: *sounds sad* “Oh?”

Me: “You did…for our anniversary. Last year.”

Her: *sounds happy* “Oh!”

(We have since reconciled!)

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Gettin’ Schooled 101

| Toronto, Canada | Romantic | October 5, 2011

(My husband and I are both professors at the same university. He’s a physics professor and mildly autistic. This means his social skills are terrible until he knows you quite well. I walk into his classroom before he starts teaching to see if he wants something to eat.)

Me: “Sweetie, do you want something from the deli?”

(My husband shakes his head no and gives me a little smile before walking away to collect his notes.)

Student: “Are you his assistant or something?”

Me: “No, I’m his wife.”

Student: “No, really?”

Me: “Yeah, really.”

Student: *grins* “What’s a woman like you doing with a guy like him?”

Me: “A guy like him?”

Student: “You know, he’s…different.”

Me: “Oh, I see a difference.”

Student: *waggles eyebrows and leans in* “Exactly–”

Me: “He’s getting laid tonight and you’re not.”

(I walk over, grab my husband’s butt, and plant a lip-lock on him before walking out. The other students in the class cheer while the jerk stands there, floored. I’m a bad wife for embarrassing the pants off of my husband, but I still think it was totally worth it!)

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You Say Tomato, I Say Prenatal

| Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada | Romantic | October 4, 2011

(I’m getting ready to make dinner. Note that my fiancé and I have not been intimate for a few months now due to an injury he sustained kickboxing.)

Me: *walks into room* “Hey babe, I have some bad news.”

Fiancé: “Oh my God, you’re pregnant!”

Me: “Uh…no. We’re out of spaghetti sauce.”

Fiancé: *rushes up and hugs me* “I love you anyway.”

Me: *speechless*

Fiancé:Especially your empty womb.”

Man 1, Bag 0, Chivalry -1

| Bellingham, WA, USA | Romantic | October 4, 2011

(It is late at night and I am trying to finish a project for work. My husband is “keeping me company” by playing a video game nearby. The last step is to put a label on the package. The labels are in a clear plastic bag, which I struggle to open, before giving up.)

Me: “Honey, can you open this for me?”

(My husband takes the bag, easily pops it open, and returns to his game. I finish my task.)

Me: “Honey, do you love me even though I’m not smarter than a plastic bag?”

Husband: “Darling, I love you because you are not smarter than a plastic bag.”

Dyeing For An Innuendo

| Ohio, USA | Romantic | October 3, 2011

(My boyfriend and I have been together for about two weeks. I’m sitting beside him doing homework and he’s on the computer instant messaging with someone. I look over and read the following.)

Friend: “Haven’t talked to you in awhile. What’s new?”

Boyfriend: “Not much. I have a girlfriend.”

Friend: “Dude, awesome. What’s she look like?”

Boyfriend: “She’s a dirty blonde.”

(At this point, I smack him.)

Me: “That makes me sound awful! My hair is blonde–light brown, if you must–but it’s not dirty!”

Boyfriend: “But that’s what it’s called…”

Me: “NOT ON ME.”

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