Fail Whale

| Romantic | November 7, 2011

(My boyfriend and I are sitting on the couch while I am enjoying my favorite shrimp flavored chips.)

Boyfriend: “Wow, you really like those.”

Me: “Well, they are my favorite.”

Boyfriend: “You’re like…half girl, half whale!”

Me: *glares*

Boyfriend: “…because whales eat shrimp?”

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Card Red-Handed

| Romantic | November 6, 2011

(I notice a man sneak a card into his bag. He then picks out another card and comes to the register. It’s a “Happy Anniversary” card.)

Me: “And the other card?”

Man: “What other card?”

Me: “You slipped it into your bag.”

Man: “I didn’t!”

Me: “You did. Want me to show you the security feed?”

Man: “Um…”

(He reluctantly takes the second card out. It has “To My Love” on the cover.)

Man: “Shh…please don’t tell my wife. I’ll pay separately, but destroy the second receipt.”

(Sadly–but not surprisingly–his mistress’s card was more expensive than his wife’s.)

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Romantically Centsless

| Romantic | November 5, 2011

(My boyfriend runs a catering company, and travels around in a refrigerated food-storage van. This day, he’s been working in a hotel about two hours away, near a milkshake and smoothie bar that I love.)

Boyfriend: “Hey honey, I’m home. I was near that milkshake bar earlier that you love, so I bought you a Chocolate Malt and stuck in in the fridge in my van. Here you go.”

Me: “Aw, that’s so sweet! Thank you, I love these things.”

Boyfriend: “So, that’s €4.95 you owe me for it. I have five cents if you don’t have change.”

Me: *speechless*

Boyfriend: “So, what’s for dinner?”

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I’m Not Gay, But My Boyfriends Are, Part 2

| Romantic | November 4, 2011

(It’s a Friday. I’m chatting with customers while making their drinks. An attractive woman approaches my bar. Note: I’m a gay male, and few have trouble figuring that out.)

Me: “Doing anything exciting this weekend?”

Attractive woman: *glares* “I’m spending my weekend with my really jealous boyfriend.”

Me: “Oh? I’m spending my weekend with my boyfriend too!”

(She looks confused, then embarrassed, grabs the first drink out, and quickly leaves the store.)


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The Not-So-Gentleman Caller

, | Romantic | November 4, 2011

(While at home, the phone rings and I answer.)

Caller: “Hi, will you be my girlfriend?”

Me: “Um, who’s this?”

Caller: “I’m me. I’m kinda dialing random numbers in the phone trying to find someone.”

(I think it’s one of my friends.)

Me: “Alright, quit joking around. Who’s this?”

Caller: “My name’s Joe. I’m looking for a girlfriend. And–”

Me: “I have a boyfriend and I do not appreciate random calls like this. Thank you.” *click*

(A few minutes later, the phone rings again.)

Caller: “Hey, what’s wrong, sweetie? We haven’t got to know each other yet.”

Me: “Go away or I’ll call the police.”

Caller: “Fine, you’re boring anyway. I’ll keep dialing random numbers until I find someone who cooperates.” *click*

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