They’re Useful For Clawing Creeps

| San Jose, CA, USA | Romantic | October 17, 2011

(I have long fingernails that usually have artwork on them. A guy about 20 years my senior comes up to me when I’m reaching for an item on a shelf.)

Guy: “Wow, I really love your nails!”

Me: “Oh, thank you.”

Guy: “I hope you have someone who appreciates what those nails can do!”

Me: “Uh, I do.”

Guy: “Does he treat you like a princess? Because if not, I know of someone who will.”

Me: “Oh, he does.”

Guy: “Do you suppose we could clone you?”

Me: “Uh…I don’t think the world needs more than one of me.”

Guy: “I guess it would be unethical. Well, bye now! You take care of those nails!”

(He walks off. I go to find my boyfriend and stay with him until we’re done shopping.)

A Stench Made In Heaven

| New Mexico, USA | Romantic | October 17, 2011

(My hubby and I have only been married for three months. One night, he comes home from work and starts getting ready for bed.)

Me: “You need a shower.”

Hubby: “I know, don’t worry! I won’t make you smell my ball sweat!”

Me: “Why did ‘ball sweat’ remind me to take my birth control?”

Hubby: “Welcome to marriage, babe.”

Support Me Or My Weight, But Not Both

| Painted Post, NY, USA | Romantic | October 17, 2011

(My husband and I are shopping for a cheap sling back chair that I need to take to a meeting for work. We’re looking in the outside lawn and garden section and decide to ask an associate for help. The clerk brings out a small, inexpensive chair.)

Me: “Awesome. That is just what I want.”

Husband: “Are you sure you don’t want to try it out first?”

Me: “I’m using it for a two or three hour meeting. It’s fine.”

Husband: “I really think you should try it out.”

Me: “What is there to try? It’s a chair.”

Husband: “Well…I just want to make sure that it will hold your weight.”

Me: *not amused*

Clerk: “If you want to punch him, I see nothing!”

And By The Orwellian Power Vested In Me

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Romantic | October 16, 2011

(My boyfriend and I are out at a nice restaurant to celebrate getting into the same graduate school. He has been vehemently anti-marriage for our entire relationship, but ever since we got accepted I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to ask him to do a commitment ceremony with me. What can I say, I like parties!)

Boyfriend: “Now, before I say anything, please don’t cry or make a huge scene, okay?”

Me: *slightly freaked out* “Okay…”

Boyfriend: *pulls out ring box* “Sweetie, I love you very much, and I want the blessings of our fascist state on our union. Will you marry me?”

Me: *crying* “Yes, you jerk!”

(And so far, we’ve lived happily ever after.)

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I Love You Just The Way You (And Your Rear) Are

| Chicago, IL, USA | Romantic | October 15, 2011

Boyfriend: “I’m going to start working out again, I want to lose a little weight.”

Me: “Me too! Maybe we should start running or biking together?”

Boyfriend: “If you lose that ass, I’m breaking up with you.”

Me: “…what?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I like them big!”

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