Romance Is Dead (In About Three Days)

(I work in the floral department of a large grocery store. One evening, an obviously drunk gentleman rolls in while I’m the only one working back there.)

Me: “Anything I can help you with?”

Drunk Customer: “That one. I want that one right there.”

(He points to a fancy, expensive arrangement– a dozen red roses, baby’s breath, nice vase, bow, the whole nine yards. I tell him ‘sure’ and get it out of the cooler for him.)

Drunk Customer: “[Five dollars less than listed price], right?”

Me: “No, this is [price].”

Drunk Customer: “You’re gonna cut me a deal.”

Me: “Nope.”

Drunk Customer: “Aww, why not?”

Me: “Because I’m not the manager and I don’t have the authority to do that.”

(Technically I do, if a product is damaged or something, but there’s nothing wrong with this arrangement.)

Drunk Customer: “Well, where’s the manager?”

Me: “Not here. She’s gone home.”

(Again, technically I could get another manager over from another department, but I’m not doing that for some drunk dude who wants a deal on a perfectly good arrangement. Either the manager will tell him no, which will upset him, or they’ll tell him yes and he’ll essentially get a deal for being a pain in the butt. Not on my watch.)

Drunk Customer: “Maaan, you’re killing me!”

Me: “It’s my job.”

Drunk Customer: *grumbling* “I know it’s your job. It’s just… It’s so…”

Me: “You don’t have to buy this one if you don’t want to. We have other—”

Drunk Customer: *whining like a little kid* “But I waaaant toooo!”

Me: “Okay, then it’s [price].”

Drunk Customer: “You’re KILLING me! Girls like these, right?”

Me: “Most people would love to get an arrangement like this, yeah.”

Drunk Customer: “That’s stupid. It’ll die in like, three days.”

Me: “Our flowers last longer than that, but yeah, I’m inclined to agree with you.”

Drunk Customer: “It’s a waste of money!”

Me: *boxing up the vase and ringing him up as I talk* “I get that. Like, if you’re going to spend fifty dollars on me, get me something that I can keep. Flowers are ephemeral.”

Drunk Customer: “Right! It’s so stupid!”

Me: “You still don’t have to buy it…”

Drunk Customer: “But I waaannaaa. Girls like theeeese.”

Me: “Okay, that’ll be [price plus tax].”

(He pays, grumbling.)

Drunk Customer: “So stupid. Now I’m out [price plus tax].”

Me: “Have a good night, sir!”

(And he almost dropped the thing on his way out. I’m glad he didn’t. I don’t think I would have been able to keep from laughing.)