(Customers can come into the store to buy books, or they can create an account with an e-mail address and purchase books online. The account is your email address and whatever password they choose. A customer and his girlfriend come up the service desk.)

Me: “How may I help you today?”

Customer: “I can’t access my online account.”

Me: “Okay, I can help. What is your e-mail address?”

Customer: “Um…” *stares at the floor*

Me: “Sir? Your email address?”

Customer: *quietly says something*

Me: “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you. Could you repeat that please?”

(By now, other customers are waiting for assistance. Suddenly, the customer shouts his email address, loud enough for everyone to hear.)

Customer: “Im-a-whore@[ISP].com!”

(I manage a small video rental chain that is open 365 days a year, including Christmas.)

Customer: “I can’t believe you’re open on Christmas. Who rents movies on Christmas?”

Me: “You’re here…”

Customer: “But I’m renting video games. That’s different!”

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(I work for a utilities company in collections, meaning I get people who are being shut off, or have been shut off. Our policy is to send several notices, and then shut off an account if no satisfactory arrangements are made. Where we give them a date, we can shut off the account with no one there, provided the meter is outside.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [utility company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m holding a shut off notice here dated for November 10th. When will my services be shut off for non-payment?”

Me: “As of November 10th, it is subject to termination.”

Customer: “Oh. Do I have to be there? I’m going on vacation.”

Me: “No, you don’t need to be there.”

Customer: “Oh. Can I get a hold on the account? I don’t have any money.”

Me: “Well, is there a medical condition pertaining to the services?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “How about an infant or an elderly person?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, how about a financial hardship?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, are you unemployed, or was there a loss of income?”

Customer: “Oh, no, nothing like that! I spent all my money on my vacation!”

(The customer orders a latte at 190 degrees.)

Me: “Here is your latte at 190 degrees.”

Customer: “Holy crap! Why is this so hot?”

Me: “Well, we normally make our drinks at 160 degrees.”

Customer: “But I asked for 190 degrees.”

Me: “Right. I made it at 190 degrees. Would you like me to remake it at a cooler temperature?”

Customer: “Well, I DID ask for it to be 190 degrees NOT 160 degrees.”

Me: “Ma’am, a 190-degree latte is hotter than a 160-degree latte. Can I remake it for you at a cooler temperature?”

Customer: “No, I asked for 190 degrees! It’s too hot!”

Me: “Ma’am, I did make it at 190 degrees. That’s thirty degrees hotter than our normal temperature.”

Customer: “Whatever, can I just get a cup sleeve?”

Me: “There’s already a cup sleeve on it… only one will fit–”

Customer: “Just give me another sleeve.”

(I give her the other cup sleeve. She tries to slip it on, gets annoyed when she fails, and throws the sleeve across our counter.)

Customer: “Cheap labor is so useless!” *storms off*

(We are having a sale where if you buy any one of a certain set of DVDs or CDs you get a music sampler for free. The customer I’m ringing up has one such item. I grab the music sampler, explain that she gets it for free today, scan it, and place it in her bag.)

Customer: “Hold on! That isn’t free! You scanned it. You scanned it and your computer went beep! You’re charging me for it!”

Me: “We have to scan the free items so that we can keep track of our inventory, but it rings up as zero.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me! It went beep! Take it off! I don’t want it if you’re going to charge me!”

(I turn my computer screen around so that she can see it and point to the title of the music sampler and its price.)

Me: “See? It rang up zero. I just have to scan it so that we can keep track if how many we sell.”

Customer: “But it beeped! You b****, don’t lie to me! That’s unchristian! I’m never shopping at this store again!”

(She snatches up her keys and stomps out of the store without buying anything.)