(I work in the box office of a movie theater. A teenage girl comes up and asks me about Angelina Jolie’s new movie.)

Me: “Hello, welcome to [theater]. What can I get for you?”

Customer: “What’s the movie Salt about?”

Me: “Well, it’s got Angelina Jolie in it and it’s about espionage.

(A very confused look crosses the girl’s face while she processes what I’ve said for several seconds. She’s clearly hung up on the word “espionage”.)

Customer: “Oh… so it’s in Spanish?”

(A couple, about mid-30s, comes up to the counter. The man has an account, but no card or ID on him. Her name is apparently on the account, though. Asking for his name, I pull up his account. As she’s fishing in her purse for ID, I look at his account. There are two women’s names on the account.)

Me: “Ah, so you must be [First Female’s First Name]?”

(Suddenly, the wife fires off a hateful look at her husband.)

Wife: *to husband* “I thought you took your ex-wife’s name off the account!”

Me: “Oh geez, I’m sorry. He probably just added you, not realizing her name was still on there. You must be [Second Female’s First Name].”

(She gives me an ice-cold stare.)

Wife: “NO, I’M NOT!” *storms out*

Him: “Well, guess these are for me, then.” *rents the movies and leaves, blushing redder than an apple*

(At the supermarket where I work, we have a store rewards card we can scan if the customer forgets theirs or doesn’t have one.)

Me: “Do you have your bonus card?”

Customer: “No. Could I use the store card, please?”

Me: “Surely.”

Customer: “Don’t call me Shirley!” *laughs* “I’ve waited for years to make that joke!”

Me: “I’m glad I could help you live out that fantasy!”

(I’m a service coordinator for a cellphone provider and I receive a phone call from a customer wanting help setting up his email.)

Customer: “Okay, I’m into the email setup, but now, it’s asking for an email address and password. What email do I use?”

Me: “Whichever email you want coming to the phone.”

Customer: “I want my work email.”

Me: “Then, enter your work email address and password.”

Customer: “What is my password?”

Me: “I don’t know your password, sir. Only you should know that.”

Customer: “I don’t know it. Where can I get it?”

Me: “It will be the same password you enter when checking your email at work.”

Customer: “You mean [password]?”

Me: “Um, yes, enter that. For future reference, you shouldn’t give out your password to people.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “That is how your email is secured so that others cannot access it. Someone who knows it could log into your email and send false emails or delete your emails on you.”

Customer: “What? I don’t want that. Give it back!”

Me: “Give what back?”

Customer: “My password! I don’t want you logging into my email!”

Me: “I’m not sure what you’re asking, sir. You verbally spoke your password. I cannot give it back.”

Customer: “Well, this is just great. Now the whole world can access my email!”

Me: “I assure you, sir, that nothing will happen. We honor customer security and nobody will know your password.”

Customer: “But you know it.”

Me: “Yes, because you told me. However, I will not do anything with it. As I said, we honor customer security and all information is confidential. You have nothing to worry about.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Did you manage to finish the setup?”

Customer: “What setup?”

Me: “You were setting up your email, did it go through?”

Customer: “It’s still asking for a password.”

Me: “Enter the password you said before and click ‘OK’. You should get a prompt saying it was successfully setup.”

Customer: “You mean [password]?”

Me: “Yes, enter that.”

Customer: “Okay, it says it was successful.”

Me: “You should start getting email now. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: “So, can you keep my password in case I need it again?”

(I’m on the sales floor when a woman approaches me looking rather flustered.)

Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

Woman: “I just came from the other mall’s [unrelated store] and they are complete idiots over there! They told me this doesn’t exist! Do you have it?”

Me: “Well, our merchandise is very different from [unrelated store]. If we don’t have it I can point you out to where you can find it.”

Woman: “My son’s walking around the mall and I don’t want him to see me in here. Do you carry Avenged Sevenfold’s ‘Five Finger Death Punch’ shirt? The punk from the other mall laughed at me when I asked about it.”

Me: “Ma’am, I think you are misinformed. Five Finger Death Punch is another band.”

Woman: “No, it’s something on an Avenged Sevenfold shirt. Look! My son said it’s a shirt!”

(She shows me the list, which has “A7X/5FDP Shirt”, meaning either shirt would do.)

Me: “Ma’am, trust me. They are two totally separate bands. Here, let me show you.”

(I pull out my iPod and show her on my playlist that I am right, going as far as showing her both band lineups.)

Me: “Perhaps you didn’t read this right, it happens all the time.”

Woman: *she looks she’s ready to slap me in the face* “Are you stupid?! My son knows what he’s talking about and I’ll prove you wrong you stupid b****!”

(She calls her son on her cell phone and puts him on speakerphone.)

Woman: “This stupid sales girl thinks I’m retarded or something. Can you tell her about that Avenged Sevenfold shirt you want with that Death Punch thing?”

Son: “Mom, they’re two totally different bands. I tried to tell you that before you stormed out of [unrelated store].”

(There is a long pause.)

Me: “We do have shirts for both bands and they’re on sale Buy 1, Get 1 Free–”

(The woman promptly goes to our t-shirt shelves, finds what she’s looking for, and pays and leaves immediately, red-faced. My boss, who had witnessed the whole thing, was bent over the cash wrap in tears.)