(A middle-aged woman, her mother, and her three-year-old walk into my sandwich shop.)
Mother: *to child* “What do you want today?”
Child: “A samminch!”
Mother: “Okay, what kind?”
Child: “A samminch!”
Mother: “Do you want turkey?”
Child: “NO!”
Mother: “Do you want ham?”
Child: “NO!”
Mother: “I AIN’T RAISIN’ NO VEGETARIAN!”
(I have worked at this concession stand for four years and this particular customer has been coming at least once a week since I started. Some variation of this same argument occurs every week.)
Regular Customer: “Is that coffee fresh?”
Me: “Relatively. I haven’t been open that long. You want some?”
Regular Customer: “No. It needs to be fresh!”
Me: “Ma’am, it is fresh. I just opened fifteen minutes ago.”
Regular Customer: “No! I can only drink fresh coffee!”
Me: “It is fresh coffee!”
(The customer stands there and glares at me without saying a word for about a minute.)
Me: “Ma’am, I am not making a new pot of coffee. This one is still fresh and over half-full.”
Regular Customer: “Yeah, well, it’s not fresh! No one’s going to buy it!”
Me: “Someone just did!”
Regular Customer: “Well, no one else will because you’re trying to sell them old coffee! I need fresh coffee!” *storms off*
Other Regular Customer: “You’d think she’d have learned just to bring her own d*** coffee by now.”
Customer: “My TV has a USB port and the manual says I need something to plug into it to be able to record. A HDD, or SSD, or an STD or something.”
Me: “Oh, a hard drive! Sure, let me show you where they are.”
(I show the customer to the hard drives and we discuss how much space he needs.)
Customer: “So, should I get the 320GB or the 750GB STD?”
Me: “Uh, well it depends on how much you think you’ll be recording.”
Customer: “Well, at this price, I’ll just get the cheaper one. Then, if it fills up, I can get more. My family can swap STDs whenever they need to, then!”
(Today I am the only teller working at the bank, as the rest of my coworkers have called in sick. A little boy whose head barely peeks over the counter waves his hand with a bag of coins in it.)
Boy: “I want to put this on my savings account! I worked hard! I’m saving money for my girlfriend’s birthday!”
(As it happens the cash counting machine is broken, so I have to count them by hand.)
Me: “All right, let’s see how much you got there!” *starts adding up the pennies*
(The customer behind the boy, an elderly woman, is growing very impatient.)
Woman: “Oh, come on! I’ve got more to do!”
Me: “Just a moment, ma’am.” *continues counting*
Woman: *angry* “Hurry up! My time is valuable!”
Me: *finally finished counting* “That’s $31.75! You can buy her a handsome gift!”
Boy: *smiles* “Yeah, she’ll be happy! Bye!” *rushes outside*
Me: “Bye!” *to the woman* “How can I help you?”
Woman: *confused* “Oh… I forgot…”
Me: “Please step aside, then, so I can help the next customer…”
Woman: *face turns red, mumbles, leaves the bank*
(I’m a waitress in a coffee shop/bakery/deli located in the middle of a small town. I walk into the dining room to see the minister from the church across the street, a police officer from the station down the block, and a lawyer from the courthouse next door sitting at the counter. I’m looking at this strange sight when my boss comes up behind me.)
Boss: “So a priest, a cop, and a lawyer walk into a bar…”
