(I’m stocking shelves when a customer approaches me.)
Customer: “Excuse me, do you have any a** wipe?”
Me: “What?”
Customer: “You know, a** wipe?”
Me: “I’m sorry?”
Customer: “Toilet paper?”
Me: “Oh! Aisle six.”
(The customer smiles and leaves. I’m from the area, so I can confirm that “a** wipe” isn’t a regional term for toilet paper!)
Customer: “I need to know the height of this refrigerator.”
Me: “Sure, it’s 69 3/4 in.”
Customer: “Is 3/4 more or less than a half?”
Me: “It’s slightly more.”
Customer: “No, that can’t be right!”
(A coworker and I are walking around the theater seeing if anything needs to be done. A woman and about 6 children are walking down the hallway. One of the young girls starts running around.)
Customer: “Bella! Bella! Stop running, Bella! Bella!”
(She looks at her young son who is behaving well and pats him on the head.)
Customer: “Good job, Edward.”
Me: *speechless*
Coworker: “I wonder what the others are named.”
(In our store, all cash registers have a button that’ll ring a bell in our lunchroom and back room if a cashier is in danger. I hear the bell ring, and run out to find my boss, who has also run out to check on the cashier.)
Boss: “What happened?”
Cashier: “A customer threatened to beat me over short change, even though I gave him the correct change. He just left a second ago!”
(My boss and I walk out of the store and quickly spot the customer in question. He’s not hard to miss, as he’s now cursing at his wife.)
Me: “Did you threaten my coworker?”
Customer: “Yeah. So?!”
Boss: “I’m gonna have to ask you to come back in with us so we can sort this out.”
Customer: “F*** you!”
(The customer runs across the road, so my boss and I run after him as quickly as possible. We finally catch up with him on the park lawn on the other side of the road.)
Boss: “[My name], grab his bags.”
(Before I can react, my boss has tackled him from behind using an American football tackle and hammerlocked him before picking him up from the ground.)
Customer: “When we get to the back room, I’m gonna punch your lights out!”
Boss: “You’re welcome to try.”
Customer: *shuts up*
(We call the cops, and after a few minutes they get here. We explain everything as his wife pleads with the cops.)
Cop: “We’re gonna let you off with a 300 kroner ticket if you apologize to every—”
Customer: *spits on cop* “Screw you!”
Cop: “…and now, you’re going to jail!”
(A middle-aged woman, her mother, and her three-year-old walk into my sandwich shop.)
Mother: *to child* “What do you want today?”
Child: “A samminch!”
Mother: “Okay, what kind?”
Child: “A samminch!”
Mother: “Do you want turkey?”
Child: “NO!”
Mother: “Do you want ham?”
Child: “NO!”
Mother: “I AIN’T RAISIN’ NO VEGETARIAN!”
