(It is a really busy weekend at the grocery store. I am trying to restock some product, but I am being asked for help left and right by customers.)

Customer #1: “Hi! Can you help me find the salad dressing?”

Me: “Of course! If you’ll just follow me, I can show you exactly where they are.”

Customer #1: “Which one do you like best?”

Me: “Personally—”

(Suddenly another customer interrupts us.)

Customer #2: “Show me where the olives are!”

Me: “Miss, they’re two sections over on the very bottom shelf.” *to the first customer* “I really prefer the red wine—”

Customer #2: “I can’t believe you won’t show me where they are. Are you really that lazy that you can’t take the time to help me?”

Customer #1: “Back the f*** off, lady! She’s working her a** off! You’re the one being a lazy b****!”

(The second customer grabs her olives and storms off.)

Me: *to Customer #1* “You’re my favorite customer!”

Caller: “I would like free shipping for this product.”

Me: “We’re sorry, but we don’t have any free shipping deals today.”

Caller: “I want free shipping.”

Me: “There is no free shipping, so I really can’t give you free shipping.”

Caller: “I don’t want the product, then.”

(I decide to try another approach.)

Me: “How about I add $6.99 to your order and then give you free shipping? Would that be okay?”

Caller: “That would be great! Thank you so much! Thanks for the great customer service!”

Me: “Okay, sir. You go have a good day.”

Caller: “Thank you! Thanks for the free shipping!”

(There is a large anime convention at our hotel. During these conventions, many guests dress up as their favorite characters. Some even go all-out and will wear body paint or mascot suits, carry fake weapons, etc. Even during these conventions, non-convention goers stay in the hotel. I am working the front desk and am approached by a very angry guest.)

Me: “How may I help you today?”

Guest: “Kick these d***ed freaks out of this hotel! They’re disturbing my children!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. The event is already going on, and all of these people have paid to attend.”

Guest: “They’re disturbing my children! They have weapons! They’re dangerous freaks!”

Me: “We wouldn’t allow real weapons on the convention floor. All weapons have been checked, and all of them are props. I can assure you that no one here will harm your children with their weapons.”

Guest: “You’re lying! You’re just covering up for this… cult! It’s a cult of dangerous freaks with weapons!”

Me: “Ma’am, there is no cult activity.”

Guest: “If it’s not a cult, then why are they painted grey? And why are they wearing devil horns? They’re the headmasters of the cult!” *motions to a nearby group in costume*

Me: “They’re in costumes. This is an anime convention. Many people dress up in costumes. That group is dressed up as characters from [Popular Webcomic]. They’re not a cult.”

Guest: “You’re lying! They’re a devil-worshiping cult! They’re going to wait until midnight, then sacrifice all the virgins to Satan!”

Me: “Actually, the only thing happening at midnight tonight is the convention’s dance.”

Guest: “A dance with the devil! You even admitted it! They’re a cult of devil-worshipers!”

Me: “I never said that.”

Guest: “And them, over there! In the animal costumes!” *motions to a group of people in mascot suits* “They’re going to perform strange sex acts on innocent people at the cult meeting tonight! How dare you let this happen?!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you would listen to me—”

(There is now a long line of people waiting to be helped behind her, most of whom look upset with the way this guest is talking.)

Guest: *turns around to the people in line* “Don’t check into this hotel! They let crazy cults of devil-worshippers bring weapons in to sacrifice virgins and then have sex!” *runs off*

Next Guest in line: “…Heh. Normal people are funny. Can I please have some extra towels?”

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(It is the last day of camp, and the campers are even more unruly than usual. They have spent the last thirty minutes putting foam stickers everywhere, and I do mean everywhere.)

Me: “Okay, guys and gals! Your parents will be here to pick you up soon, so let’s clean up a bit and get these stickers off the floor.”

Camper: *eye roll* “I don’t understand why we have to pick this up. This is camp!”

Me: “Well, the other counselors and I didn’t put stickers all over the floor. Do you expect us to pick this up?”

Camper: “Yes! This is camp! We’re not at home, we’re at camp! We shouldn’t have to clean up after ourselves! That’s YOUR job!”

Me: *jawdrop*

(I’m a seventeen-year-old girl. I work as a hostess to pay for my gas money at a local restaurant that specializes in seafood. A family of three walks in: a mom, dad, and their daughter. They’re all well-dressed and the daughter is texting away on an iPhone.)

Wife: “We have a reservation.”

Me: “Name?”

Wife: *gives their last name*

Me: “Ah, yes, here it is. Table for three. If you would please follow me…”

(I lead them to a table by the window.)

Wife: “Thank you.”

Husband: “Don’t thank her! This is unacceptable!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, is there a problem?”

Husband: “OF COURSE there’s a problem! I want to be seated outside!”

Me: “My apologies, sir, but all of the tables outside are taken. Your reservation has no specified preference, so according to restaurant policy, I took you to the first available table. Would you like to wait until a table on the patio is open?”

Husband: “No! I want to be seated right now!”

Wife: *to her husband* “Calm down, please.”

Husband: “Your service is horrible!”

Me: “I can get the manager for you if you would like.”

Husband: “Do it, now!”

(The entire time, the daughter is still texting away. I fetch my manager and he sends me back to work. Two hours later, the family walks out. The daughter slips me something and leaves without a word. It’s a note and three folded twenty-dollar bills.)

Daughter’s Note: “Sorry that my dad is such an a**. I hope this makes up for it, and congratulations on the track meet last Thursday. We stayed inside, just so you know!”

(Upon closer inspection, it turns out that she runs for one of our rival schools. I knew she looked familiar!)