Me: “Hello and thank you for calling [Travel Agency]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I need to get to Hawaii by Saturday.”

Me: “Okay, let me just see what flights are available.”

Caller: “Flights? As in flying? No way! I am terrified of flying! Can you look up some train tickets for me?”

Me: “Ma’am, Hawaii is in the middle of the Pacific ocean. There is no train service to Hawaii.”

Caller: “What? Hawaii is part of the United States, isn’t it?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. It is.”

Caller: “Then how can it be in the middle of the ocean? Fine, then, what about taking a boat?”

Me: ”Ma’am, there are cruise services to Hawaii, but I can assure you that the only way you are going to get to Hawaii by Saturday is by flying.”

Caller: “Well, what about those speed boats that drug users use from Cuba?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, those boats don’t have the ability to cross the ocean, and Cuba is only 90 miles from the United States.”

Caller: “90 miles? Sonny boy, Cuba is out in the middle of the ocean. Haven’t you ever looked at a map?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Caller: “Forget it, I’ll just call another travel agency that knows their history.”

Me: “Do you mean geography?”

Caller: *click*

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Caller: “I cannot find my order number or my order. I need the tracking information.”

Me: “Okay. Can I please have your login name so that I can look up your order history?”

(The caller gives their login name and I look up their order history.)

Me: “Ma’am, so that I know we are looking at the same page, can you please tell me what you see?”

Caller: “I see ‘order number.’ I did this already!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. That number is your order number.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. It said ‘order number,’ but I wasn’t sure that’s what it meant.”

Me: “Okay, so let’s track your package. I see that the package has been delivered on the fifth, which was twenty days ago.”

Caller: “Oh? Who signed for it?”

Me: “The initials say [letters].”

Caller: “Oh, so it was me! I just can’t seem to find that package around here. Could your computer tell me where I put it?”

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Me: “Raptor rehabilitation, can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes. There’s a hawk swooping down eating the songbirds off of my bird feeder. Is there anything I can do?”

Me: “Well, not really. You can try moving the feeder near a bush where the songbirds can hide.”

Caller: “There are a lot of chipmunks where I live.”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “Do you think I can put up a sign telling the hawk to eat the chipmunks instead of the songbirds?”

Me: “I don’t think that will work, sir. Hawks don’t read well.”

Caller: “Oh. I’ll try it anyway.”

(I am offering free ‘Got Milk?’ samples at a state fair.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am. Would you like to try some milk?”

Customer: “No way! I don’t drink that kind of milk!”

Me: “What do you mean, ‘That kind of milk’?”

(The customer points to my sign.)

Customer: “Goat milk!”

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(It is a few minutes after closing time and we lock the door. Moments later I hear the sound of breaking glass. I rush over and see a woman on the ground surrounded by glass. She had tried to walk through the door and broke it.)

Me: “Miss, are you all right?! Are you hurt anywhere?”

Customer: “No! No… I think I’m fine.”

Me: “Miss, let me show you somewhere to sit while we wait for security and the ambulance.”

Customer: “No! I don’t have time, d*** it! I have to go write this in my blog!” *runs off*