(I’m doing a sales pitch to my customers, a husband and wife, and they’re really getting interested. We’re going round all the products. There is good banter going on, jokes etc. However, out of nowhere, an old lady barges between them and grabs my ear.)

Old Lady: “I have been asking you where the toilets are!”

Me: “Please let go of my ear!”

Old Lady: “It’s rude to disrespect your elders! Where are the toilets?!”

Husband: *knocks the old lady’s hand away from my ear*

Old Lady: *to the man* “You assaulted me!”

Husband: “You have no case, and I didn’t hear you asking this young lady about the loos. My wife and I have been talking to her for at least ten minutes.”

Old Lady: “Of course I have a case! You hit me! She saw it!” *points to me*

Husband: “She has a better case against you for assault.”

Old Lady: “No she does not!”

(The husband calmly pulls out a business card and hands it to me.)

Husband: *to me* “I’ll gladly take her to court for you for free.”

(Reading the card I see his name, followed by ‘Head of Legal Advice for [company]’.)

Me: “Thank you!” *to the old lady* “The loos are down that way on the left; follow the signs.”

(I am rubbing ear as the old lady walks off, sulking. I turn to the couple.)

Me: “I’m so sorry about that.”

Husband: “No need. Anyway, keep the card, just in case!”

(I am a cashier ringing up a woman, her husband and their young son who is about seven. The woman is having trouble with her credit card, which is an obscure foreign card.)

Woman: “Ugh! I hate this store! I knew I shouldn’t have come here! Everyone here is just stupid! Their machines never let me use credit on my card! It’s just stupid.” *to her husband* “Why did you suggest we come here instead of [competitor]?! Everyone here is just useless!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I will certainly pass the message along to my superior. In the mean time, because it’s only $10.45, would you like to pay via cash?”

Woman: “No [son], you can’t have the stupid chocolate bar! I don’t know if I have enough bloody coins because of this stupid store!”

Boy: “But mummy, if you knew the card doesn’t work, why did we go here?”

Woman: *shuts up*

Me: “Hello, you’re through to the billing department. How can I help you?”

(All I hear from the customer is a high-pitched, incoherent screaming.)

Me: “Sir? Hello? I can’t understand what you are saying.”

(Still screaming.)

Me: “Sir, if you could just calm down and tell me the problem, I’m sure I can figure it out.”

(The customer keeps screaming. I hang up. Two minutes later, my colleague takes a call.)

Colleague: “Hello, you’re through to the billing department, how can I help you?”

(Incoherent screaming.)

Colleague: *looks at me* “It’s for you.”

(It is during the middle of a renovation at my work, but we have stayed open during the remodel. This makes for some bad organization and mistakes concerning where certain items go.)

(My coworker rings up a seemingly nice woman for an obviously expensive looking item for scrap-booking.)

Coworker: “You’re total is [amount].”

Customer: “Um, that isn’t right. I got this from the $1 sale bin.”

Coworker: “I am so sorry. See we are going through a renovation. This item must be put there by mistake.”

Customer: “Well it was there, so I should get it for a dollar.”

(My coworker gets our manager.)

Manager: “Yes, I am sorry ma’am, but unfortunately, we cannot give you this expensive of an item for a dollar.”

Customer: “BUT IT WAS IN THE SALE BIN!”

Manager: “I realize that. But we are all human and mistakes happen. If you would like to purchase it for full price that would be fine.”

(The customer makes a huge scene and yells obscenities at both the manager and co-worker. Oddly enough, she decides to buy the item anyway.)

Coworker: *perfectly normal, non-emotional voice* “Okay, that’ll be [amount].”

Customer: “WELL DON’T ACT SO HAPPY ABOUT IT! YOU FORCED ME TO BUY IT!” *leaves in a huff*

(I work for a large department store known for selling tools and hardware under their own brand. They have a lifetime guarantee on tools of this brand, and will exchange any broken or defective tool at any time. I am working in the tools department. A customer comes into the store with a whole lot of tools.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to exchange all of my tools for new ones.”

Me: “All of your tools? Are they broken?”

Customer: “No, they’re not broken. They’re used. I want new nice looking tools.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, we cannot exchange all of your tools just because they’re used. We can only exchange them if they are broken or defective.”

Customer: “But they have a lifetime guarantee! I can exchange them any time I want! And now they’re used, and I just got a new job working for a car dealership, and I want new tools that look nice! You have to exchange these!”

Me: “Sir, are you going to be actually working on cars, or just hanging your tools on your wall?”

Customer: “Get me your manager now!”

(I call my manager, and overhear part of his conversation with the customer.)

Customer: “No, they’re just used. I want new tools that look nice for my new job at a car dealership.”

Manager: “So, are you actually going to work on cars with your tools, or just hang them on the wall?”

Customer: *leaves in a huff*