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The customer is NOT always right!

I’m In Ur Hubz Burnin Ur Portz

, , | Right | October 15, 2008

Me: “Welcome to [Company] support, how can I help you?”

Customer: “One of my computers doesn’t have internet.”

Me: “Okay, is it in a hub?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Can you try a different port?”

(I hear scuffling in the background.)

Customer: “It works now.”

Me: “Well, great. That port on your hub must be burned out. Just order a new hub from your admin, or use this port instead.”

Customer: “But why?”

Me: “Because it’s burned out.”

Customer: “I know, but why is burned out?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I like this port! How could it be burned out?”

Me: “It just is. It’s like reaching into a bag of chips and getting that green one: sometimes it just happens.”

Customer: “That’s chips, this is a hub! I want to know why it burned out! Tell me why!”

Me: “I don’t know! Terrorists or something did it!”

Customer: *hangs up*

Cube Mate: “Terrorists?”

The Lights Are On But Nobody’s Home

, , , | Right | October 15, 2008

Client: “I need to see if I can get a settlement advancement because I only have enough money to pay my rent or electricity bill.”

Me: “I will talk to the adjuster and see if we can get an advancement, but they don’t have to give you one and we can not force them.”

Client: “That’s great, thank you… but which bill should I pay?”

Me: “I am not going to tell you what to do, but let me ask you this: what good is electricity if you do not have a place to live?”

Client: “So, which bill should I pay then?”

Me: “…really?”


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Past, Present, or Future, She Ain’t Graduating

, , , , , | Right | October 14, 2008

(A mother is worriedly telling me her daughter wants to graduate, but may be past the deadline to apply to do so.)

Mom: “She was planning to graduate early, instead of in the Spring! Now you’re telling me she can’t do that?”

Me: “Well, it’s October already, and there is a lot of preparation involved. She wanted to graduate in January ’09 instead of May?”

Mom: “No, she wants to graduate January ’08!”

Me: “… That’s in the past, ma’am.”

Mom: “Oh, fine! Well, whatever technical time you go by!”

Marital Bliss, In All Its Forms, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | October 14, 2008

(I’ve just done a sales pitch for Internet service.)

Customer: “Oh, honey, I’m 73. I wouldn’t know what to do with the Internet. I can hardly run the computer my daughter gave me.”

Me: “Well, I’ll be honest. I’m 24 and I do struggle with them from time to time.”

Customer: “Boy, I sure wouldn’t want to be your age, what with all the bad things happening in the world today.”

Me: “I don’t know; I’m pretty optimistic most of the time. I think we’ll be okay.”

Customer: “You’ve never been married, have you?”

Will Somebody Please Think Of The Pr0n

, , | Right | October 14, 2008

Me: “Hello, [Computers]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, my computer has a ton of viruses. I was told I need a complete wipe. Can you guys do that?”

Me: “Yes, we can, sir. Can I just ask why you think your computer needs a full wipe?”

Customer: “Yeah, well, my son was looking at p*rn a few days ago, and now it won’t work at all. That’s why I’d like my computer wiped.”

Me: “All right, then, sir. You can bring in your computer anytime today. I just want to ask if there’s any files you want us to save before you do.”

Customer: “Yeah, can you save my p*rn?”

Me: “I’m… sorry?”

Customer: “Can you save my p*rn?”

Me: “Yes, sir, we can definitely save all your… files. We just aren’t able to move any programs over unless you have the CD.”

Customer: “No, I have all the CD’s. I’ll do it all myself. I just want to know if you can save my p*rn.”

Me: “Yes, sir, we can save all your files. Word documents, JPEGs–”

Customer: “–and my p*rn.”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Great. I’ll bring it in this afternoon.” *click*

(Fortunately, he never came in.)