Customer: “I want betta fish. What size tank for those?”

Me: “I recommend at least a gallon, but if you can afford a five gallon one, that would be great!”

(The customer picks up one that holds only a pint of water.)

Customer: “How about this one?”

Me: “I really don’t recommend keeping your betta in a tank that small. Those are meant for temporary holding only. It’s not suited as a permanent home.”

Customer: “Why the h*** not? It says it’s for betta fish!”

Me: “Yes but that tank does not offer the amount of room necessary for a betta. It might be able to survive for a time, but it’s the equivalent of shoving a large dog in a closet and keeping it there for two years.”

Customer: “You don’t know what you’re talking about! Fish don’t think. They can’t feel pain. They’re nothing.”

Me: “As a matter of fact, they do. Their perception of pain is even more sensitive than humans.”

Customer: “Why should I care?”

Me: “If you don’t care, why do you want one if the first place?”

Customer: “To look nice! I want a pretty fish for people to look at when they visit my home!”

(I realize this customer isn’t going to provide a decent home for the fish, and refuse her the sale. The store owner agrees with me, and the customer storms out fishless.)

August 2013 Top Story Roundup: Here are Not Always Right’s top-rated stories for the month of August!

1. Checkouts Are Places For Change (4,491 thumbs up)
2. In Line And Out Of Line (4,128 thumbs up)
3. How To Deflate The Bag (3,161 thumbs up)
4. Karkat, Thor, And Loki Walk Into A Bar… (3,125 thumbs up)
5. Doing Right(click) By The Aged (2,989 thumbs up)

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

(I am waiting for a hair cut. Next in the queue is a boy that can’t be older than four or five.)

Little Boy: “I want you to cut my hair spicy!”

Hairdresser: “…’spicy?'”

Little Boy: “Yeah, spicy! Like, super spicy!”

Hairdresser: “…don’t you mean ‘spiky?'”

Little Boy: “That too!”

(We have a counter where customers can pick up online-only items that have been shipped to the store at no charge. Customers can designate an alternate pickup person, and it’s not uncommon for a spouse or parent to pick up an order, though usually they know it’s not their name on the order.)

Customer: “It’s under [name]. It’s a stroller.”

(I search, and find nothing on computer or on the shelf.)

Me: “Could it possibly be under your husband’s name?”

Customer: “I’m a lesbian.”

Me: “Okay, well, what’s your wife’s name?”

Customer: “It’s [other name].”

Me: “Here we go!” *brings out stroller* “Your name wasn’t on the box, so that’s why.”

Customer: “Well, you should have known!”

Me: “I should have known your wife with a wildly different name always sends you to pickup the order under her name?”

Customer: “YES!”

(I have worked with a customer for about 10 or so minutes to find a pair of jeans. I hear a beeping from what sounds like a cell phone coming from the customer, but he is ignoring it.)

Me: “We have some of these on clearance here—if you need to take that, it’s fine.”

Customer: “Oh naw, that’s just my bracelet.”

(The customer leans down to his ankle to reveal a huge black bracelet for house arrest.)

Customer: “The battery is dying.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

(We move to the register.)

Me: “We have a [drugstore] close by if you need any sort of battery.”

Customer: “Naw, I gotta go home and charge it. Can I go put these on?”

Me: “Sure, let me take the tags off for you, and we can process it when you come back.”

(He returns after this, and we process the exchange. He thanks me, and his bracelet begins to beep again…)