(A customer walks in with a cheap supermarket-branded laptop. She insists it’s only a tiny problem, but it turns out to be a malware-ridden horror show with no anti-virus software installed at all. I spend over 30 minutes cleaning it up with the customer standing behind my back. I recommend installing an anti-virus package, which the customer refuses. She then picks up her machine, and tries to walk out.)

Me: “Excuse me, aren’t you forgetting something?”

Customer: “…Huh?”

Me: “The service fee is 45 euros.”

Customer: “Oh, come on! The computer was already expensive, and now this?!”

Me: “I guess we couldn’t go on for long if we worked for free.”

Customer: “But this is what you nerds do on your free time anyway!”

(I work in the lingerie department of a large department store. A man and his wife walk in. The wife goes to look at our clearance racks, while her husband comes up to me.)

Man: “What bra size do you think I am?”

(The man attempts to puff out his chest, which amounts to little as he is flat-chested. I’m kind of taken aback, but I go with it.)

Me: “I’m not sure.”

Man: “Well, you measure people, right? Measure me!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t know if that’s—”

Man: “Come on! Measure me!”

(I grab my measuring tape and ask him to hold his arms up. He kind of dances around a bit, but I ignore him. I go to wrap the tape around his chest, which is a little awkward since I basically have to hug him.)

Me: “You’re a 42 band size—”

(Suddenly, the man leans in to kiss me. I jump way back.)

Me: “Woah! Personal bubble!”

(By now, his wife has returned. The man tries to explain.)

Man: *to his wife* “It’s her fault! She’s giving me a look!”

(The man and his wife leave soon after, but not before his wife comes and gives me a quick apology for her husband’s behavior!)

(A customer in her mid-40s comes up to the kiosk.)

Customer: “Excuse me.”

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I put in my card at the pump, and it tells me ‘Pump Enabled.'”

Me: “…Yes?”

Customer: “What does ‘Enabled’ mean?”

Me: “Well, it means that you can work the pump. The transaction is probably going to time out by time you walk back to the pump, but try again. All it means is that the pump is working.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Thank you.”

(The customer walks off and I continue counting cigarettes. After a few minutes, she comes back.)

Me: “Oh, welcome back!”

Customer: “It still says ‘Pump Enabled.'”

Me: “Go ahead and pump your gas, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Thanks.”

(She walks away, but after a few moments, I see her walking back to the kiosk.)

Me: “Ma’am, let me help you…”

(I am ordering inside at a fast food restaurant. There aren’t many people inside but several cars lined up outside at the drive in and most burgers are sold out.)

Me: “I’ll have a [burger].”

Cashier #1: “All right, but I fear you’ll have to wait a bit. Those are out right now, and several other customers are waiting for one as well.”

Me: “That’s not a problem; I’ll just wait here.”

(I’ve waited for several minutes with my cashier constantly apologizing to me about it taking so long, when another customer stomps in and goes to the next register.)

Cashier #2: “Welcome, sir, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’ll have a [same burger as me] and some fries.”

Cashier #2: “Yes, sir, I apologize in advance, but the burgers are out at the moment and you’ll need to wait a bit.”

Customer: “Hmph! You’d better hurry up. I’m paying good money for this.”

(After about two minutes of waiting, the customer starts to curse at the cashiers about being idiots and not working at all. This goes on for several more minutes until the first burger is done and my cashier starts to pack it up for me.)

Customer: “Oi, that’s my burger! Give it to me now!”

Cashier #1: “I’m terribly sorry, sir, but this lady here came in first and therefore it’s hers.”

Customer: “Stop talking nonsense! Give it to me!”

Cashier #2: “No, sir, that’s not your burger. We will give it to her.”

Customer: “I’ve been waiting for ages now. I demand you to give me my burger. NOW!”

Cashier #1: “But sir it’s—”

Me: “Ah, just give the burger to him. This poor bloke is probably starving since he lost all his manners already.”

Cashier #1: “Are you sure about this?”

Me: “Yep, absolutely. After waiting this long, a few more minutes won’t make it any worse.”

(The cashier gives the burger to the customer, who immediately retorts…)

Customer: “Why didn’t you give it to me faster, you idiots?!”

(I’ve had enough of the customer’s sour attitude and speak up.)

Me: “For one, because that actually was MY order and I was kind enough to let you have it. For another, in case you didn’t notice, there is a large line of cars outside waiting and the poor guy in the kitchen is all alone. So, stop being an a** and go eat your food which you needed so desperately!”

Customer: *storms out*

Cashier #1: “I’m really sorry that you have wait even longer because of him now.”

Me: “It’s all right. I don’t have anything to do anyway.”

(After another two minutes, Cashiers #1 and #2 pack my order and add an extra burger.)

Cashiers #1 & #2: “There you go. A little thank you from all of us!”

(A young customer comes wandering in during lunchtime, fiddling with the laptops on display.)

Me: “Ma’am, can I help you?”

Customer: “Oh, yes, please. I’d like to buy a laptop.”

Me: “Certainly. What would you be using it for?”

Customer: “Facebook, Skype, iTunes, and Civilisation IV. And typing, I guess.”

(I show her a sturdy Dell.)

Customer: “Excellent, I’ll take it. Does it come with a warranty?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, Dell offers a standard one-year warranty.”

Customer: “Uhm, would it be possible to get a… longer warranty?”

Me: “We offer an additional three year full warranty for [amount] more.”

Customer: “Does it cover… like… EVERYTHING? Like, maybe, falling down stairs, getting rolled over by suitcases, accidental cups of coffee?”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Yes, Ma’am. Everything.”

Customer: *sighs, resigned* “I’ll have the full warranty. Something tells me I’ll need it!”