(I am checking in a guest. I do the usual: swipe his card, and make the keys.)

Me: “Here are your keys, sir. Please sign this registration card.”

Guest: “No problem!” *signs with a flourish and takes keys*

(The computer beeps, and shows that his card was declined.)

Me: “Uh, excuse me? Sir? Sir?”

Guest: *looks over at me while walking away*

Me: “Your card was declined. Do you have another?”

Guest: *blank stare* “No.”

Me: “Well, I’m afraid that I can’t let you have the room unless you give us another method of payment.”

(I hold my hand out for the keys. The guest clutches them to his chest keeps walking away, faster this time.)

Me: “Sir, please give me back the keys.”

Guest: “No! I made a reservation… therefore… I am guaranteed a room! Guaranteed!” *runs off*

(The guest disappeared in the elevator before I could catch him, and was in his room in a flash. He set the deadbolt and ignored all calls and knocks. Finally the authorities had to BREAK down the door to the room and he was hauled away, yelling that he was ‘guaranteed’ a room and that he would complain to corporate. He did, and was charged for the cost of a new door.)

(I work at a gaming company and provide tech support to all of our customers that call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I hope you can help me. I have been having connection issues all week with [Game]. I play for about 30 minutes and am disconnected. Can you fix it?”

Me: “I can try. First let’s open up the website to pull up some info that may help us resolve this.”

(About 30 seconds pass.)

Me: “Are you there, sir?”

Customer: “Sorry, the internet has been having issues all week. It is a bit slow right now…”

(A customer came up to me while I am stocking the cooler.)

Customer: “Where’s the straight milk?”

Me: “What? What’s straight milk?”

Customer: “Straight milk!”

Me: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Customer: “Straight milk, so it doesn’t turn my kids gay.”

Me: “Milk doesn’t turn anybody gay!”

Customer: “Sure it does. See right here. It’s HOMO-genized milk. I want the HETERO-genized milk.”

Me: “…”

(Our hotel offers free coffee to any guest. One day a man walks in. It’s obvious that he’s not a guest.)

Customer: “Hi. Can I get a coffee?”

Me: “Well… I guess so. Just this once.”

Customer: “Great!”

(He drinks it and goes away. The next day he comes in and asks again.)

Customer: “Can I…?”

Me: “No. I’m sorry but that is only for the guests.”

Customer: “WHY NOT?! You said I could!”

Me: “I meant for just that day yesterday. Not every day!”

Customer: “Well, you should have specified!”

Me: “I did.”

Customer: “It doesn’t matter anyway. I’m going to have a coffee if I want to! It’s my right!”

(He marches over to the coffee. I call a manager and explain the situation. The manager goes to speak with him.)

Manager: “You cannot have free coffee here. It’s for the guests only.”

Customer: “She said I could!”

(The man marches off. Every morning after that, he would march in without saying anything, grab his coffee, and march out. Eventually he was banned.)

(Milk is subsidized in my state so we don’t offer cash refunds or exchanges unless the product is spoiled or damaged. One man has been exchanging half-empty milk every week for six months claiming each time that the container is leaking. He does it with different clerks and it takes a while before everyone realizes he’s scamming us. As manager, I ask my clerks to let me know if they see him come in so I can talk to him.)

Customer: “I’d like to exchange this milk.”

Me: “Sure, we can certainly do that. Man, you have some rotten luck!”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, you just always seem to have leaky milks. Looking at how little is remaining, it must have really made a mess in your fridge!”

Customer: “Oh. Yeah.”

Me: “Wow, going through a milk every week? I wonder if [Milk Company] knows they have so many leaky containers. I should track this and notify them.”

Customer: *nervously* “I don’t think that’s necessary.”

Me: “Oh. Well, a leaky gallon every week for six months? That’s unacceptable. Maybe you should try another brand? You know, [Milk Company]’s headquarters are just one town over. I could just call them and have them inspect this.”

Customer: *alarmed* “Oh, no, no! It’s fine. I’m all set.”

Me: “Are you sure? Hey, why don’t we go pick out a gallon together. That way we’ll KNOW it isn’t leaking?”

Customer: “Oh, uhhh. I’m sure I won’t have any problems anymore.”

Me: “I really appreciate you letting us know there is an issue with their packaging. I’ll be sure to keep an extra close eye on your milk from now on.”

(The customer leaves in a hurry and we never see him again!)