(I work at a company that works on providing phone-based tech support to other US-based telephone companies.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Provider]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “Oh, hello. My name is [Name]. I have a box from [Provider] that I want removed from my lawn. It’s been sitting there for two days.”

Me: “Well, sir, you should have picked it up, since once the equipment arrives to your home it becomes your responsibility, and you must ship it back.”

Caller: “You don’t understand. I want you to send somebody from [Provider] to pick up that box for me.”

Me: “Sir, I can send you over someone to pick it up, but that’s going to cost you $75 USD.”

Caller: “No. I want it picked up for free. I don’t want that box.”

Me: “Then you must pick it up yourself and send it back to [Provider] via UPS or postal service, or drop it off with a sales representative at a [Provider] store.”

Caller: “I don’t want to do it. I want you to pick it up for me and take it away. For free. Don’t you understand? Am I calling to India or something like that?”

Me: “You are speaking to Tijuana, Mexico, and I do understand you, sir. However, we cannot send anyone to pick up the box, since it’s your responsibility to do so.”

Caller: “You must speak Spanish. Bring someone over to the phone who can understand English.”

Me: “I do understand you, sir. But that doesn’t change that you must still bring that box yourself or you will be charged for not returning the equipment.”

Caller: “No, you are speaking Spanish. Bring me someone who can speak English.”

Me: “Sir, we’re speaking in English.”

Caller: “I doubt it.”

Me: “Well, believe it. We’re speaking in English.”

Caller: “I refuse to speak with you. Bring me someone who can speak English. Bring me your f****** supervisor.”

(My supervisor in this moment was away on a meeting, and the only supervisor available that day was already taking a call.)

Me: “Sir, my supervisor will tell you the same.”

Caller: “Then f****** bring me your supervisor’s boss.”

Me: “Even if I take it to God himself, he’ll still tell you that you must grab that box and ship it back via postal service. And this is your first warning, sir. If you keep talking that way, I will be forced to terminate this call.”

Caller: “Bring me your f****** supervisor. I refuse to speak with you, f****** wetback.”

(Our company has a policy of reserving the right to withdraw from this kind of calls if the customer comes up with these kinds of tantrums.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Provider tech support]. We apologize that your problem will go unresolved. Do not bother calling back. Have a nice day.” *click*

(When I later check the records, I found out that this customer had already called four times for the same reason!)

Lady: “We’re here to give back this cat we got from you about a year ago.”

Me: “Okay. I’m sorry for that. Can I ask why are you returning him? Are you having any problems with him?”

Lady: “No, we just decided we like kittens but we don’t really like cats. Could we exchange him for another kitten?”

Me: “You do understand that every kitten will grow into a cat? What will you do when the next kitten grows up?”

Lady: “Can’t I just exchange it again?”

(A customer walks into the store and walks over to the service desk with a cart FULL of pop.)

Customer: “I want to return this pop. I didn’t seem to need it.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, sir, but this isn’t a brand we carry. You have to buy the pop here at our store in order to return it here.”

Customer: “I bought them here last week! I just want my d*** money back!”

Coworker: “Do you have a receipt?”

Customer: “I don’t have my d*** receipt. Don’t you have it on file?”

Coworker: “I apologize, but we don’t.”

(The customer immediately kicks over the whole cart of 30 bottles of pop and storms away. We all stand there in shock after, but on a positive note we all got to keep the pop that he had left behind!)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. My name is [Name]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yes, ma’am. I do believe there’s a fraudulent charge on my account.”

Me: “Oh, no! Let’s see what we can do. Which item is fraudulent?”

Customer: “The $29.99 charge on January ninth.”

(I scroll down to the charge and then I notice the woman’s account is completely over-run with $0.99 charges to Google. When people get customer debit card numbers, they often make small purchases so they customer won’t notice, but this is completely insane.)

Me: *ignoring the Google charges for the time being* “Okay, I see the $29.99 charge. Do you want me to file a dispute on this item?”

Customer: “Oh! Oh, now wait, honey. I know what it is. I forgot I ordered that purse from the TV.” *laughs* “Never mind. I didn’t mean to waste your time! Thank you so much!”

Me: “Wait, ma’am, hold on. I’m glad you figured out that charge was legitimate, but I do need to ask you… Um, are you aware there are multiple small transactions to Google on your account? I mean, they go all the way back for at least three months. I’m seeing so many I can’t count them all!”

Customer: “Oh, honey, I know. My husband tells me I need to stop!”

Me: “Stop, ma’am? Stop what?”

Customer: “Oh, you know. Ain’t you ever felt so swag you just had to play Candy Crush at three am?”

Me: *blink* “No, ma’am. Can’t say that I have.”

Customer: “Oh, I just get so mad. I just gotta beat that level!”

Me: *laughs* “Well, hey, we all gotta unwind somehow!”

Customer: “How much I spent on Candy Crush anyhow? $50?”

Me: *tallying it all up* “Um… it looks like approximately $767.87 in three months.”

(There is a prolonged silence.)

Customer: “HOW MUCH!?”

Me: “$767.87, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh honey, don’t you tell my husband. He already mad at me as it is. Oh well! Thanks, baby, you have a great night!”

(The customer had well over $15,000 in her regular checking account so I suppose she wasn’t missing it too badly!)

(The lingerie company I work for has a very large sale twice a year, and it is always quite popular. We mark down prices on much of our merchandise again as the sale goes on, to move old stock. We do offer price adjustments on sale items that have been discounted again. The customer in question here is a notorious returner.)

Me: “Thank you for shopping with us today. How was your experience with us?”

Customer: “Whatever. I need to do a price adjustment.”

Me: “Okay. Do you have all your receipts?”

(The customer hands me at least 20 different receipts.)

Me: “Oh…wow. There’s a lot of receipts here. Which items did you want price adjustments on?”

Customer: “All of them.”

Me: *whimpers* “Um… okay. Just so you know, this will take a few moments.”

Customer: “Yeah, yeah. Just hurry up.”

(I look at the first receipt and notice that all the items on it were purchased at full price outside of our 90-day return policy, before the sale even started.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m really sorry, but this receipt is from almost five months ago. We only have a 90-day return policy, so there’s nothing I can do with this receipt.”

Customer: “But the items on there cost less now. I want the sale price!”

Me: “Yes, and if you had purchased these items within the last 90 days, I’d be happy to do the adjustment. But as you can see, you bought them several months ago, and the system won’t process it.”

Customer: “Well, what about the other receipts?”

(I go through the receipts and note that only four of them have dates within the 90 day policy, so I hand the stack back to the customer.)

Me: “All right, so it looks like only these four have dates within the return policy, but I’ll be more than happy to scan these through and give you your discount.”

(The customer huffs, but says nothing. After scanning all four receipts and rescanning every single item on them, I tell the customer her refund amount.)

Me: “Ma’am, it looks like you’re going to be getting back $1.50 for all of these.”

Customer: “What? That’s impossible! Everything on there has dropped in price again!”

Me: “Actually, that’s not true. The bras you purchased were $15.99, and that is still their price today. The only thing you’re saving any money on is this perfume, and that’s only $1.50.”

(I process the transaction and put the $1.50 on her credit card. I assume the transaction is done, until she hands me the out of date stack again.)

Customer: “Now do these. I’ll get more back on these.”

Me: “Ma’am, as I’ve already explained, these receipts are just too old to do a price adjustment on. I’m sorry, but my system won’t process it.”

Customer: “No! You will give me my money back!”

Me: “Ma’am, as I said, I’m terribly sorry, but my register will just deny the transaction. There is literally nothing I can do.”

Customer: “Fine. I’ll just go to [other store location] and get them to do it!”

(The customer leaves in a huff. I call the other store to let them know she’s coming. They don’t process her return either.)