(I work for a catalogue company and I’ve just finished taking an order over the phone. I know that each catalogue comes with a unique discount code that gives substantial savings. The customer hasn’t quoted her discount code. I decide to prompt her, so she doesn’t miss out.)

Me: “I notice that you’re ordering from the spring catalogue. You should have a discount code on the front page.”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Great. Could you give me the number?”

Customer: “The what?”

Me: “The six-digit discount code number?”

Customer: “The ‘discount’ what?”

(She doesn’t seem hard of hearing and we both have the same regional accent, but I speak louder and slower, just in case.)

Me: “Discount NUMBER.”

Customer: “The what-number?”

Me: “The DISCOUNT NUMBER.”

Customer: “Where is it?”

Me: “On the front of the catalogue.”

Customer: “I don’t see it.”

Me: “It’s at the very top of the page.”

Customer: “Where?”

Me: “Along the top of the front page, in a white box.”

Customer: *pause* “15% off.”

Me: *finally getting somewhere* “Great! Now, if you could give me the six-digit code number at the end of that sentence.”

Customer: “It says I get ‘15% off.'”

Me: “Okay, no problem. I just need the six-digit discount code so my computer will make the reduction.”

Customer: “There’s nothing else here.”

Me: “That’s odd. Can you read to me exactly what it says?”

Customer: “To get 15% off” *stops*

Me: “Carry on…”

Customer: “Please quote… oh! It says here ‘DISCOUNT CODE.’ Is that what you wanted?”

Me: “Yes please.”

Customer: “So, have I got my discount?”

Me: “Sure, if you give me the six-digit discount code.”

Customer: “I don’t see it.”

Me: “Could you read the full sentence to me?”

Customer: “15% off.”

Me: “Okay, could you read all of it to me? Including the bits before and after the ‘15% off.””

Customer: *huffy* “To get 15% off please quote discount code 123456.”

Me: *enters in number* “Great, so you’ve got 15% off your order.”

Customer: “Finally! God, you people make these things so difficult!”

(I work in an internal technical support where we have just recently change password systems that have strict requirements for new passwords. A customer is having trouble with creating a new password. It should be noted that this customer speaks perfect English.)

Customer: “It won’t accept any of the new passwords I make up.”

Me: “Well. keep in mind that the passwords have to be at least eight characters long, and have letters and numbers.”

Customer: “What does that mean?”

Me: “It means that you have to have letters and number and all of the letters and numbers add up to eight. Like four letters and four numbers. Or six letters and two numbers. It can be more than eight characters too, so anything that adds up to eight or more.”

Customer: “No one can come up with that many letters… This is too hard.”

Me: “Um… Some people like to pick a word and then put some numbers at the end of the word. So long as you don’t use the word ‘password’ it will accept it.”

Customer: “A word? Like what? What words? Can’t you just make one up for me?”

Me: *feeling very uncomfortable and frustrated now but still wanting to help* “Well, what’s your favorite color?”

Customer: “Green! I love green.”

Me: “Okay… So, make your password ‘green’ and then add the year you were born to the end.”

Customer: “But… green isn’t a word.”

Me: “Wait… What?”

Customer: “You said pick a word.”

Me: “… Just type in ‘greenXXXX.”

Customer: “Oh that worked! Thank you! But you should be more clear with your directions next time.”

Me: “Yes, I’ll do that. I’m sorry for the confusion.”

Customer: “So this table leg, can it fit onto this table?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “And is it easy to fix it?”

Me: “Yup.”

Customer: “We just have to screw it ourselves yeah?”

Me: “Yes, just screw yourselves.” *suppressed laughter*

(A customer is looking around.)

Me: “Ma’am, can I help you look for something?”

Customer: “Yes. I’m looking for a green leather couch.”

Me: “At this time, we have sold all of our green leather couches, but we can order one for you.”

Customer: “I’m not stupid you know. The leather comes in green!”

Me: “Ma’am, rawhide color of leather is a tanned beige color. It has to be dyed a specific color then it is processed and installed on a frame.”

Customer: “Are you saying I’m stupid?”

Me: “No, ma’am. You’re just not gonna find a green cow anywhere!”

(A customer walks up to bookstore counter. Our bookstore isn’t very big, and it doesn’t have a lot of employees, but a lot of regulars.)

Me: “Are you having trouble finding any books?”

Customer: “I need my fortune told!”

Me: “I’m sorry. This is a bookstore. We don’t do fortune telling.”

Customer: “I need my fortune told!”

Me: “Again, we don’t do fortunes. But if you need to find a book, I can get someone to help you.”

Customer: “I NEED MY FORTUNE TOLD!”

(At this point I realize it’s easier to give the customer her fortune, real or not, than to try to explain that, no, this is not a fortune telling area.)

Me: “Okay, okay. Give me your hand.”

Customer: “What? Really? Oh, thank you. Thank you!”

(Customer eagerly gives me her hand, palm up. I stare intensely at it, tracing each line and muttering to myself.)

Me: *looks up* “Your future…”

Customer: “YES!?”

Me: “Your future is uncertain.”