(I answer the phone at work.)

Customer: “Hi. My name is [Customer] and I am with [Gentlemen’s Club].  I am going to need to order some change.”

Me: “Okay. What will you need?”

Customer: “I need $1,400 in old ones.”

Me: “I believe I have $1,400 in ones, but I am not sure if they are all old.”

Customer: “Oh, I have to have old ones because the new ones give the strippers paper cuts.”

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(I work at a branch in a college town, so our customers are often in their late teens. I have just been commenting to a coworker that all these kids make me feel old when this happens.)

Customer: “I, like, want to, like, deposit some money in, like, my, like, account.”

Me: “Certainly. Is that going to checking or savings?”

Customer: “Like, checking?”

Me: “Of course. Do you want all of your check going in or would you like some cash back for yourself?”

Customer: “Like, can I, like, get $20, like, back?”

(I process everything through and the customer leaves.)

Me: *to coworkers, who are dying laughing* “And that, my friends, is the future of the world. Dear god, I hope she isn’t an English major.

(I have a customer who is getting ready to travel out of the country. I often have people ask about using cash, travelers checks, and credit cards while abroad.)

Me: “… Another option that is available to you is using ATMs to get cash out once you are where you are going. That way you aren’t walking around and traveling with a large sum of cash.”

Customer: “Yeah, I can get some money and exchange it at a bank there.”

Me: “No, you can just get the money from the ATM directly without having to

exchange it.”

Customer: “But the money I get from the ATM is US dollar.”

Me: “No, the ATM dispenses the local currency.”

Customer: “Why can’t I get money from an ATM when I’m out of the country?”

Me: “You can. It will just be in the local currency.”

Customer: “This is unacceptable! Why can’t I get US money from an ATM?!”

Me: “Because the ATM is not in the US. The same reason our ATM out front does not dispense any money other than US currency.”

Customer: “I just can’t understand why I can’t get my money when I’m traveling!”

(I am standing at the tills waiting for a customer to finish browsing. I look down to adjust the bags and look up to him approaching me.)

Customer: *throws something at me*

Me: “Sir, why did you throw a clove of garlic at me?”

Customer: “Just wanted to test your reflexes!”

Me: “…”

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(I’m bartending at a wedding and the bar is quiet. A father approaches the bar with his newly 18-year-old daughter.)

Father: “I’ll have a pint of Guinness, please.”

Me: “Certainly, sir. Is there anything else I can get you?”

Father: “Do you want anything, [Daughter]?”

Daughter: “Oh, I’ll just have some water, please.”

Father: “Are you sure? You’re allowed alcohol now, remember!”

Daughter: *face lights up* “Oh, yeah! Uhm…” *falls silent for about five seconds* “What do you have?”

(I motion to the wide range of alcoholic beverages behind me.)

Me: “Whatever you fancy, ma’am.”

Daughter: “Uhm… I don’t know! What do I want?”

(Her father says nothing, so I presume the question is to me.)

Me: “Well, what do you normally drink? We have a very wide range of spirits behind me, cold beer on tap in front of you, and several ciders and ales in the fridges that I can list if you’d like.”

Daughter: “Uhm, can I have a rum and Coke?”

Me: “Of course, ma’am! Light or dark rum?”

Daughter: “Uhm… Do you have Barcardi?”

Me: “Coming right up!”

(I make her Barcardi and Coke and pour the father his Guinness before taking payment. As the daughter walks away, the father sighs.)

Father: “I’m very sorry about that! Sometimes I wonder if she’s all there!”

(He then walks away without his Guinness, returning a minute or so later to collect it with a sheepish look on his face!)