(It’s about half an hour before closing time on a Saturday, which is jokingly referred to by the employees as ‘the creeper hour’ because of all the strange customers we get during that time. However, this night has been relatively slow and weird-free. Customer #1, a man, comes to my line and sets down two cartons of ice cream.)

Me: “How are you today?”

Customer #1: “Fine, thanks. My dog wanted to go for a ride, so I thought I’d reward myself for listening to him.”

(I kind of laugh with the customer and ring through his order. After he pays, he still stands at my register, staring at me.)

Me: “Can I help you with anything else?”

Customer #1: “My dog is a real little dog. It’s probably tearing up my car right now. I can never get him to settle down.”

Me: “Yeah, smaller dogs tend to have more energy.”

Customer #1: “It’s because his parents are siblings.”

Me: “Oh…”

Customer #1: “I had the brother and sister dogs and they got together somehow. Had four puppies. One was born with heart problems and died. I gave two away.”

Me: *trying to not cringe* “Okay…”

Customer #1: “I don’t know how they did it. I don’t know why they did it. Why do brother and sister dogs f***? I caught them once. I couldn’t get the brother dog off his sister. You just never forget those kinds of things.”

Me: “Sir, do you mind just—”

(At this point, a second customer comes to my line. She loudly throws some soup cans on the conveyor belt.)

Customer #2: “Oh, hello, sweetie! How are you tonight?”

(Customer #1 glares at her and moves down a little, but still is at my register and opens his mouth as if to continue talking.)

Customer #2: *loudly* “Boy, I can’t believe how great the sales are this week! Oh, do you mind putting my milk in a bag? I hate to be a bother, but it’s just easier to carry.”

(Customer #1 finally seems to get that he can’t continue talking about his incestuous dogs and actually pouts as he walks away.)

Customer #2: “Actually sweetie, I’m sorry. I’m not done shopping yet. I still need to get a couple more things. You just looked like you needed a way out.”

Me: “Oh, my god, thank you so much. Here, I’ll unload the rest of your things and ring them through while you go get what else you need.”

Customer #2: “But did I hear him right? Did he really say what I think he said? Who even thinks that that’s okay?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t mean to be crass but if you think that’s weird then you don’t want to hear the other stuff people have said to me.”

(She laughs and gets the rest of her groceries. When she pays, she asks for $5 cash back and gives it to me for ‘putting up with the village of idiots.’)

(I’m stocking in an aisle in which a customer is also shopping. From a few aisles away comes the high pitched scream of a child. The customer turns and smiles at me.)

Customer: “That child should have been eaten at birth.”

Me: “…”

(This conversation occurred between me and a customer buying shoes for a wedding. I’m a tall girl and rather busty.)

Me: *after ringing up shoes and going through usual questions* “Okay, that will be [total].”

Customer: “Just a second.” *pulls out wallet, digs in pockets, and locates two extra bills in another pocket* “Hey, I found extra money. That’s great!”

Me: “Oh, yeah, I always love finding extra money at the bottom of my purse.”

Customer: “Oh, from your job as a stripper?”

(At this he freezes and his whole face is overcome with a look of absolute horror at what he’s just said. His tone isn’t insulting and in fact I got the distinct impression he must have a lot of female friends he casually jokes with without thinking. I’m standing there struggling between laughter and insult and settle on laughter as I’ve had a good day and he just looks like he feels really bad.)

Customer: “Oh, my god, I am so sorry! I didn’t mean to imply—”

Me: “It’s fine. It’s flattering to think I look good enough to be a stripper.” *poses*

(The customer laughed though clearly still felt bad, He paid and left with his shoes. Another coworker walked over, having heard the exchange, and we stared at each other a moment before we burst out laughing.)

(The phone rings at about 4 am.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes. I need to place a reservation for Monday, checking out Wednesday.”

Me: “Absolutely. Let me check the rates for those nights.”

(We continue our conversation; he is booking a room normally enough until I ask for credit card information.)

Me: “Okay, you’re all set. I just need a credit card to hold the room.”

Caller: *sounding a little taken aback* “Oh, yes… of course… Let me get my card for you. Hold on.”

(This is followed by two minutes of muffled sounds.)

Caller: *clearly out of breath* “Okay, sorry, had to go upstairs. Hang on, let me grab it.”

Me: “Umm. Okay.”

(Another 45 seconds of muffled panting.)

Caller: “All right. Got it.” *gives me the number* “So… have you ever just, you know, needed a release?”

Me: *pretending to not hear the question* “I’m sorry.? What was that?”

Caller: “Okay. Thanks for all your help!” *hangs up*

(He never showed up or called to cancel and his credit card info was expired.)

(I am visiting my boyfriend while he is working temporarily at a gas station. Note: We look nothing alike. He has very dark features where as I am of Irish descent, and look it. An elderly gentleman walks in.)

Customer: “Would you look at those eyes!” *gets very close to my face and grabs my head* “Those are the greenest eyes I have ever seen! Like emeralds!”

Me: *very uncomfortable* “Um… thank you, sir.”

Customer: “You are just gorgeous!”

(He continues gushing about my eyes until he turns to my boyfriend.)

Customer: “And you have that dark thick hair! You two are a good match. You will make the most beautiful babies!”

Boyfriend: “Umm… okay. Is there anything I can help you with today?”

Customer: “I’m serious! GORGEOUS babies will come out of you two.”

(With both of us very uncomfortable, he finally stops and tells my boyfriend what he needs. Relieved, he gets him the items and we both hope he leaves soon. But, he continues to make conversation.)

Customer: “So. You two are brother and sister? That’s nice.”

(We were both speechless after that.)